236. Unleashing Intimacy: How Open Communication Cultivates Deep Connections with Cordelia Gaffar

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This is happiness solved with America's happiness. Coach Sandee Sgarlata.

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Hello, everyone, and thank you for joining me today. I'm so happy you're here. I'm Sandee Sgarlata. I was born in Virginia Beach and raised in the Baltimore Annapolis area and had very humble and tragic beginnings. And as a result, my life was a hot mess.

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Thankfully, 33 years ago, I got my act together, and since that time, I have dedicated my life to serving others and raising awareness that no matter what you've been through, you can choose happiness and live the life of your dreams. Happiness Solved is dedicated to giving you content that is empowering, motivational, inspirational, and, of course, a dose of happiness. It's my way to give back to the world and share other people's stories. This thing called life can be challenging, and my guests share their amazing stories, wisdom, and life lessons that demonstrate anyone can choose happiness. You see, happiness is a choice, and the choice is yours.

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Today's episode is amazing and I am so grateful for you. Thank you for listening and don't forget to leave a review and follow me on social media at Coach Sandee Sgarlata. Enjoy the show.

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Cordelia Gaffar, I'm so excited to be talking with you today. How are you? It's so good to see you again. I'm doing well. It's great to see you, too.

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This will be a fun conversation. It is. And just to give the audience just a little taste of what we're going to be talking about, you are known as the ultimate joy goddess. Normalizing, great sex. Yes.

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Before we hit record, I had to say, okay, that's right. Right. She's like, yeah, that's right. I'm like, okay, just want to make sure.

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I love it. Who doesn't want more great sex? I don't know who that person is, but they need to listen to this conversation, right? Exactly.

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That is so awesome. So before we dive into that conversation, how did you get to where you are today? Because we all have a story, and I really like to make sure that people get a good idea of who you are because through our stories, we help other people learn and grow. Yeah, thank you for that. And thank you for having me on your show.

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How did I get to where I am now? Once upon a time, I realized that in order for me to be the best me, it required deep self nurturing, and I didn't really know what that was. This is before self care was cool, right? And let's see. I had a toddler and a baby and I was working in corporate America.

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I guess at that time, I was still just like a senior accountant. I hadn't really gotten to the position that, you know, and I just had a meltdown in the bathroom one day, and I was like, what would really make me feel nurtured in this moment? And so I built upon that practice over a period of years. And when I finally got the position that I wanted, I guess that was about three years later as a CFO for a small It company, I found out I was pregnant with my third child and I had had a couple of miscarriages and stuff. And I said, you know what, I can always come back and do this, but taking care of my body and being present with my children, this is the only time I have to do that.

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Yes. And so that was the beginning of the choosing me, because we go and we invest a lot of money in our education and a lot of quality time and networking to get that career. And I just realized that that's not what truly matters. That's not what's important. Yeah, because sometimes that climb, we're doing that climb.

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We're doing the climb during the climb, and you get there and you're like, oh, it's like anticlimactic. It really was. Yeah. And so I traded that in for a different career. So for the next 19 years, I chose to homeschool my children.

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And in that choice, I learned all of these things about myself that got me to now be the ultimate joy goddess. So after having six children, I'm just going to fast forward through my life. You have six children? I have six children. I have four daughters and two sons.

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I didn't realize that because we've had conversations before, but that just never came up. Yeah, because that's not part of my resume. I'm one of the moms that it's like, I'm a mom, but I don't have to show how much of a mom I am. You know what I mean? But after having my 6th child, I decided to write a book.

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And in that writing of that book, it was called a guide. How to get started with workout around my day. And that was simply because so many of the homeschooling moms that I had interacted with over the years were overwhelmed. And woe was me all the time and running after the kids, and they were just like, how come you're so cool, calm and poised and you have a smile on your face and you got all those kids? And I was like, oh, you just blah, blah, blah.

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And they're like, yeah, you need to put that in a book. So I did, and I started doing workshops for moms. And so my second book that came out because doing those workshops, people had questions. So it's called workout around my day. The only health guide that moms need and so it has how to create self nurturing practices and recipes to make food delicious and nutritious and not time consuming to make and stuff like that.

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And along the way, I had children in travel, soccer and all the things. So I got certified in sports nutrition for my kids. Right. Wow. Yeah, that's like dedicated mom.

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You're kind of like an overachiever like me. I think we do have that in common. I think that's what resonates between us. So it's like and the sports part, right? So, like, for fitness, I'm not going to say I get bored easily, but I like to have a lot of, you know, worked toward my CPT with NASM and I found out about eccentrics because one of my kids got an injury.

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So I started working, know, so it's like all these different modalities over the years I learned how to do. And so I have a ridiculous amount of certifications, but all focusing on total well being. And so after being married for 20 years, I recently got a divorce. And the thing that I had not addressed was my sexual well being was always aware because it's kind of infused I'm a Muslim. And so in Islam, they say half your dean or half your religion is having a healthy marriage.

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Right? And so part of that spiritual connection with your spouse is a recommendation to have intercourse four times a week. Right? And so many Muslim women are like, are you kidding me? When would I have time to do that?

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And so I was always on the hunt on how to do that. Even though we didn't get along, I thought, well, and sometimes when you're not getting along, you're not even sexually attracted to your spouse, right? Right. That's right. That mining my own joy within that self nurturing practice helped me to have more compassion for myself and sometimes him.

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And so instead of me 100% of the time overriding, I don't really want to have sex with him today kind of thing. It became more of a do I require having sex? Yes. And if I do, what would I need to do to get myself there and be present? Right?

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What dynamics and environment do I need to change in my home? Right? So even though I was married and we didn't get along all of the time, I found a way to enjoy sex anyway. Okay, but after getting divorced, I was like, okay. And I got a whole lot of trauma around that.

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I got a lot of sexual trauma from being married to someone that I didn't get along with most of the time and had to mental gymnastics myself into having sex. So I said, Well, I need to address this. And that's why I enrolled in the Institute for Authentic Tibetan Tantra. And I'm studying that now, I think. Not that it would have saved my marriage.

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My marriage was what it was. It was a great learning, great opportunity, and we co parent very well now. But if I can save somebody else's marriage because everyone is like, oh, we're married, so we don't really have sex, or you know what I mean, there's a lot of societal norms that shouldn't be. And simultaneously, we've got a lot of mental health issues, and they're related.

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If your total well being is not taken care of. That's like your emotional well being, your physical well being, your mental and your sexual, which is, I would say the same as spiritual well being is not being taken care of. Then you're not whole. You're going to be off balance all of the time, and there's no amount of prozac or therapy sessions that are going to help you with that. You need to just come to an understanding that good sexual well being and relationship with your spouse is what makes you a whole person.

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So how do people get because it sounds like what you were saying is like there's an imbalance there. What can you advise to help people to bring that back into balance? Yeah. This is one word I don't use when it comes to relationships. I use the word harmony in seasons.

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Right? Instead of balance. Yes, instead of balance. Got it. I'll tell you, there are two fun ways, right?

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So one thing I talk about is what your diet says about your sex life, right? Interesting. Yeah. Do you grab crackers or do you take the time to make home? What are they called?

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Like the protein balls. Right? And is that your go to snack? Right. Or do you just grab whatever?

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The same way you approach your nutrition is the same way most people approach sex. I actually know this to be fact because that's a workshop that I do. Okay. Can you dive into that a little bit more because you're, like, piquing my interest? I'm like, okay, how is that related?

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So you know that you're going to be hungry at some point during the day, right? Right. And you realize that you want to have something to eat, but taking that extra step and thought process of, I need something that's high quality that will give me that boost of energy, like even energy, not just like a caffeine high. Right. Or just to make my stomach stop making noise, but what can I have ready and prepared for that period of time that I know that I'm going to be hungry and I may not have the luxury of time to go and have something really decent to eat.

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So if you have that forethought and you always have those protein balls available, you'll know that whatever it is for your body, maybe you need one, maybe you need two, maybe you need three. You'll be like, okay, I got that on lock. Same thing with sex, right? There are times that we want to have sex, right? But we may be like, oh, I'm too tired.

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Oh, what if he's not interested? Or something like this? The too tired will already be taken care of, right? It'll already be addressed if you're staying up on your nutrition during the day because you've already thought about the amount of energy that your day will require. Right.

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And whether or not he's interested, that is, again, just like the thought process you go into for creating those protein balls. Right. It would be keeping the lines of intimacy open throughout the day in whichever way aligns most for your relationship. So are you talking, touching, being playful? Like, my husband and I both work from home.

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I'm upstairs, he's on the main level of the house. And every now and then we'll pass by and we'll just give each other a little kiss. Is that what you're talking about throughout the day? Just keeping that connection with one another? I love that question.

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Yes. Because let's define what is intimacy? It's not always touch. It depends. Intimacy can be touch, if that's your love language.

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Okay. Intimacy is keeping the I would say more like a spiritual connection and alignment. So it could be just, let's say for couples that don't work from home in the same house, just texting, hey, babe, I was just thinking about you. Or maybe an emoji that you guys have created together and just sending that and he will know that you're thinking about him. Right.

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So it's like you're having that connection and alignment all throughout the day. And I was just about saying, if you don't have your cycle on right, but that's kind of not an issue for me anymore. Me too. Thank you.

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But if you are able to, you can create time for that. And another form of intimacy is, again, like people do meal planning, have sex planning while you're making your schedule. Right. When are we going to have sex? This week.

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Right. So that is another form of intimacy, just scheduling it in. So let's talk about that just for a second, because for some people that may be, well, we shouldn't have to, right. Or it ought to just take place naturally. Because when you said that, I was just like, OOH.

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But then I was like, you know, we're so busy, like, why not? Yeah, if you meal plan sex plan. Yeah. So if there is anybody because when you said that, that was my first thought. So I'm guessing that there's going to be people that are like, okay, shouldn't have to do that, whatever.

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And I hate using that word should because but it's part of our vocabulary. What would you say to somebody that has some sort of resistance about that? Yes. Another amazing question. So this is how resentment is created.

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All the assumptions is supposed to be in a relationship over a period of time, up into and including, well, we'll be spontaneous with that. We'll be spontaneous with sex. Right. And so I would say consider creating an agreement around what your sex life is and consider what other places that you always have disagreements about where you could create agreements. Right.

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So let's say you're frustrated that he doesn't help out with the cleaning if you're the one who does the cooking, or vice versa. He gets upset because you don't clean when he cooks. Right. I would just love to have somebody to cook for me.

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Right. And if you create an agreement that whenever you cook, I'll clean, right. Then you're already living in a world of commitment and agreements. So anything else to mitigate any form of discontent? This is an opportunity to create agreements around in this busy world.

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The most important way around that is to schedule. Just to summarize it, because I think I used a lot of words and may have lost some people create an agreement around what spontaneous looks like. I love that. Yeah. I had during COVID when we were all suddenly stuck in the house and at the time my son was home and the dishes became a problem.

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And I started to feel that resentment toward my husband because he wasn't helping out. So we created that agreement, and we still have it to this day that I load the dishwasher up, he unloads it and I've given him that and I'll be like, hey, just ran the dishwasher. Oh, OK. And he's the type of person that jumps up, does it right then as soon as I ask him to do it, like, he'll do it right then. That's made such a world of difference in my marriage.

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And that was on me, Cordelia. That was on me. I don't ask. Great point. I learned that I need to ask for help and I don't ask for help.

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So it's also about learning about how you communicate. And instead, I would just get irritated because he wasn't taking the trash out. Well, ask him to do it. Just ask. That's all I got to do.

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Yeah, that's a great point about not asking. And some of the women I talk to, they don't ask for the sex to be different. Like, I was talking to a few women and they've said things like, well, I don't like the certain positions that we always do, but he seems to like it, so I'm like, whatever. How about having a conversation about that? It's like, yeah, by the way, can we explore different positions?

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Just ask. I think there's got to be that safety there too. And if you have that safety with your partner, then there's no reason why you can't speak up because it's safe. It's a safe environment where nobody's going to get upset at you.

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It goes back to and I think that's really the basis of this conversation. Treating sex just like you're talking about normalizing. It it's just another part of our relationship. And if you're not taking the trash out is no different, then let's try a different position because spice it up. Yeah.

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And that's a good point about safety. And it's like it doesn't mean anything, right? It doesn't mean like I had an outside lover or I was looking at porn. It just means, like, I just want to try something new. It's like we've been married for 20 years and we've been doing the same ten positions.

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Can we use some toys? Let's try something different. Yeah, let's research it together. What other positions are there? What toys are there?

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Well, and by doing that, you're going to get a little bit closer. You're taking that intimacy to a different level. Yeah. I think that people would be surprised how the others would be more open to that. If there's that safety there, you've got to have that safety.

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Yeah. So what other things are you doing that you want to share with the audience? Because we're getting close to the end of our time together. Is there anything else that you'd like to share with the audience before we wrap up? Yeah, I work with people one on one, and this year I've actually started a group called For Your Ultimate Joy, and it is specifically for married couples to normalize having great sex.

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So just connect with me. I always say, just email me. Right. And feel free to tell me your life story because that happens and it's, Hello@cordeliagofar.com, and let me know if you're interested in the individual coaching or the group coaching. Now, when I say group, I like my groups intimate, so it would be like five couples.

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And what does that look like? Because I know what group coaching is like. Is it no different than a group coaching scenario where you're just talking and giving your ideas and suggestions and that kind of thing. So the group coaching works in this way. We meet twice a month, but quarterly we'll meet in person.

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Right. And even though they're couples signed up, everyone has an opportunity to meet with me one on one. Because sometimes you don't know how to say what you want to say. Right. And sometimes you need that private space too.

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And I recognize that doing things in person, there's like a whole different flavor and vibe with that. So I think it's very important to have those quarterly in person meetings. Yeah. And then on a regular basis, you can subscribe to the Free to Be show because I'll be having those conversations for the broad education about what it is that I'm doing and so people can feel free to subscribe to that. And my YouTube channel.

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Fantastic. And I'll make sure all of that is in the show notes as well. Cordia, such a great pleasure to have this conversation with you. Love this conversation. I know that people are going to get so much benefit out of it, and it's a conversation that needs to be talked about.

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It does. Most important. Thank you. Thank you. And we got to do lunch soon because we're practically neighbors.

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Yes, we do. We need to make that happen.

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It's happening. All right, great to see you today. Take care.

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I certainly hope that you enjoyed today's interview. Thank you so much for joining me. And as always, I hope that you and your family are healthy and safe and that your lives are filled with. Peace, joy and happiness. Take care, everyone.