218. Unlearning Disordered Eating Behaviors with Molly Carmel

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This is happiness solved with America's happiness. Coach Sandee Sgarlata.

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Hello, everyone, and thank you for joining me today. I'm so happy you're here. Here, I'm Sandee Sgarlata. I was born in Virginia Beach and raised in the Baltimore Annapolis area and had very humble and tragic beginnings. And as a result, my life was a hot mess.

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Thankfully, 33 years ago, I got my act together and since that time, I have dedicated my life to serving others and raising awareness that no matter what you've been through, you can choose happiness and live the life of your dreams. Happiness Solved is dedicated to giving you content that is empowering, motivational, inspirational, and, of course, a dose of happiness. It's my way to give back to the world and share other people's stories. This thing called life can be challenging and my guests share their amazing stories, wisdom, and life lessons that demonstrate anyone can choose happiness. You see, happiness is a choice and the choice is yours.

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Today's episode is amazing and I am so grateful for you. Thank you for listening and don't forget to leave a review and follow me on social media at Coach. Sandee Sgarlata, enjoy the showni. It's so great to see you today. Because we scheduled this so long ago.

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So thank you so much for your patience. I really appreciate it. And thank you for being here. I love being here with you. I'm so excited.

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Sandy, thank you. Oh, my gosh, thank you. So you are a certified Master Life Coach. You also have your Master's in psychology. Fantastic.

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And you're a facilitator and owner, co founder or founder of a successful coaching practice called Resilience Life's Gift. I love it. And then you have your own podcast and we're going to dive into all of that. But first, I want to hear your story. How did you get to where you are today?

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Because we all have a great story behind us. We do. Thanks, Sandy. And again, I'm so honored to be here with you. It's funny, I never thought I would be on this journey.

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It's so fun to be able to talk about my story. I started off as a critical care nurse. At the age of 21. I worked at the prestigious Mayo Clinic. I always thought that was going to be my journey for the rest of my life.

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My grandmother was a nurse and she was my person and I followed in those footsteps. And I broke my back at the age of 26, lifting a patient. And that set me on a course of eight spinal surgeries. After my second surgery, a nerve was severed in my back and I was paralyzed from the waist down and had trouble with walking. And throughout those course of eight surgeries, you went through the plethora of major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD and all those things.

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And with that came an addiction to every type of prescription medication. I ended up with my parents and going through all that and the loss of identity because it was Nurse Kelly. So with all of that going on, I made very poor choices in my addiction. Got behind the wheel of a car, got DUIs, and it just led me down this path of self destruction, self sabotage, and I was just existing. I wasn't even living.

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Sandy I never thought I would end up in that place. I went to rehab. After rehab, I would get clean. Then I'd have another back surgery. I'd get clean.

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I'd have another back surgery. And in my last rehab in 2014, I was facing losing my nursing license. I was unemployable. I was facing prison, and I wasn't facing the issues that were underlying. It was like drug was but a symptom of what was underneath.

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So I hadn't dealt with all the shame and the guilt and the trauma and everything like that. And so my counselors really worked with me on what was going on there. I walked up to the community college the day I got out of rehab, started taking some psychology classes because I needed the loans from school to pay for rent. I was cleaning my sponsor's house to pay for groceries. And it was very truly humbling because everyone's sitting there with laptops, and I'm there with my free backpack from the community college and a big pencil and just kind of shaking, still going through the detox.

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And I had no idea I was going to pursue this because I was awaiting my prison sentence. So I started taking those classes, and finally the counselor was like, honey, there's no more classes for you to take a community college. You have a bachelor's degree in nursing. Why don't you go get your Master's? And all those core beliefs of, I'm not good enough, and all those came in.

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I ended up going to do my sentence in jail. And that is Sandy, where I had my spiritual awakening, because I went to maximum security and my cellmate was in there for first degree murder. And I was judging her, judging her. I'm only in here for DUIs. Like, how am I in here with someone that's in here for murder?

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And so my higher power kind of knocked me to my knees and was like, if you would have hit a child or a family, you'd be in here doing the same amount of time. So what makes you think you're any better? And so I called my sponsor and I had her send me all my recovery stuff, my AA books, my NA books. And we were in our cells for 23 hours a day and out for one. And I started working with the women in the yard and taking them through the steps and helping them, because everyone in there was in there for mental illness or addiction or things like that.

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And so from that day on, I dedicated the rest of my life to this work. I got out, went into a Master's program, got my Master's in psychology, started doing marriage, family therapy. Liked it, but didn't like being in that box of just working with people on the past and past issues. Started taking self mastery classes down in Napa, opened my coaching business and started working with people on their belief systems, what was holding them back from moving forward, and just started from there and it just kind of started to take off. And now I speak in elementary schools on bullying or on mindset, and then I have my own podcast and then I just keep going and going because I'm just so passionate, Sandy, about there's.

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So I said during the pandemic, mental health is going to be our next pandemic. And I noticed it not getting a lot of attention. And here we are, right? So there's always more work to do. I'm always working on myself.

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It's a lifelong journey, and that's my story. There's so much more. That's kind of the version, but wow, you know where we're at. Yeah. Incredible.

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That's really incredible. And when you were talking about all your surgeries and the addiction and I'm sure you know this, of course you are going to become addicted because the drugs they give you are so addictive, period.

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You're in a catch 22 situation because you need them, because you're in so much pain, and yet they're highly addictive. It was such a hard thing for me because I was a nurse. The doctors were prescribing them in such large quantities, and I had never taken a pill before that point. And so you're taking them. And what I realized after, too, Sandy, is I was taking them more for the emotional pain than I was for the physical pain to numb out so many feelings.

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So when I went to those self mastery classes and that's what I loved about coaching, is I was like, if they can tell me that all my actions are mine, that I'm accountable for everything that led me to being in the jail and having horrible things happen to me in that jail that were very traumatic and I can own my life again. I can feel power over my life again. I'll take it because I'm like, it wasn't my fault to break. I was feeling very victim. It wasn't my fault I broke my back.

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It wasn't my fault I had to start taking pills. It wasn't my fault. And she's like, no, nobody deserves to break their back. Nobody deserves that. But what choices did you make that led you up to being in that jail cell that led you to going through that trauma?

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And that's what I love about the coaching experiences, is you don't have power over certain things, but you can step into your power and take accountability for choices. So I look back on my journey now, and every client that comes to me at 43 years of age, sandy I can be like, oh, yeah, either I've been there, I've experienced it, or I can empathize with the feeling that they're having, whether it's addiction, powerlessness, frustration, grief. So it's just such a wonderful thing to be able to empower so many people and help them feel power over their lives again. Yeah. So I don't talk about this that much on my podcast, although I I do share it when I'm a guest on other people's podcasts.

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My my ex husband, who is a very successful lawyer, was driving drunk drunk, hit a motorcycle, and killed two people. And he was in prison for seven years. He's been out now since December of 2021. And during that time, for me, I had to put my whole life on hold because I was in almost like a fight or flight mentality, because I had a child to raise on my own. And we were left almost destitute after the accident happened.

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And I'm a survivor, a thriver. I prefer to say I'm a thriver. And I always knew I was going to be okay. And yet the thing is that it's really easy to look at our situation and compare it to another, right? Yes.

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And I'm sure he did some of that as well in the beginning. And then toward the end of his term, he was like, yeah, we all are there. For what he was saying was that almost everybody in the prison system, it always goes most of them always go back to drug, drugs and alcohol in some way, shape, or form. Yes, and thank you for sharing that and for your vulnerability. I can't imagine how that must have felt for you.

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And it is a family disease. It affects so many people in the family system, you and your child. And that was my experience. We were in the maximum security and people couldn't even come in because we were too high risk. Nobody's getting the help that they need in there.

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Exactly. So then they go out and they continue to do exactly what they were doing with no help. And so at the time I went in, I had a year clean. And so I was working and doing internship at a recovery center. So I kept calling and sending people to my recovery center.

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And finally my supervisor, I called her from collect call, and she's like, honey, I love you. I love what you're trying to do, but we don't have any more spots because I kept trying to send people because to your ex husband's point, we're not getting any resources in there. If anything, they're giving you drugs we call the Thorazine shuffle. People are walking around just kind of like this, and then they're unmedicated when they get out. And so it hurts my heart.

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I get very emotional about this because there's only so many of us that are trying to reach at a bigger reach to help people with this. You don't think you're going to be the one. And I got Wheel of a Car so many times and those were only the times I got caught. You don't think you're going to be the one to hurt somebody or harm somebody with your choices. And it's so freeing for me to be accountable for all my choices take.

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Because I know I'm one pill or one drink away from being back there. That's right. So to be able to empower people and help people and know that it affects the people in your family. My mother and I did a podcast, the Two Sides of the Addiction, coin her perspective. When I was in my addiction and mine, I never knew how she felt and they were totally different perspectives.

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So it's really impactful to know how it affected you and your child. To see how we need more resources for people. I just opened a second resilience in Grass Valley where I got clean and sober because that's always been my dream, to remain grateful and humble where I came from to help so many people there. So I'm trying to reach to however many people I can. And what's so frustrating about it is we're not going to get help until we're ready.

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I mean, people told me until my face was blue to get help and until I was ready. It hurts my heart because it's still such an epidemic. Well, people aren't going to do anything. They're not going to make any changes in their life until they're ready to make that change. Doesn't matter if it's just stop eating so much desserts or quitting smoking or drinking or shopping.

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Addiction, sex addiction, gambling, it's all until somebody is ready, it's not going to happen. And here's the thing, people, it's so uncomfortable making that change. And that's why in order to grow, you have to be comfortable being uncomfortable. I say this, it's getting to the point where I almost say this like every single podcast. I want to get the tattoo, Sandy.

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I want to get the tattoo because when we coach, I mean, isn't it the same? It's like people stay comfortable and it leads to a life of being uncomfortable where if they get a little uncomfortable for a minute, they're going to lead a life that's very comfortable. That's right. They're afraid to get there and they stay in their little box of comfort. I call it the nine dot square because inside that nine dot square, it's like this illusion of control.

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They're not really in control. It's an illusion of control, but they feel safety and they can manipulate. And this and I'm like that's your content, though. That's your content. It's what you believe to be true.

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But if we get outside that box and put it into context, how are you contributing to the problem by either your reactions to it or your inaction? When there's a problem, it all comes back to you. Right? You have to have a desire to change. You have to have the desire first, and then you got to make the decision.

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And I said this on I had Jim Britt on my podcast last week. Oh, nice. And he said, when you make that decision, there can't be any room for it to be any other way. But we leave a little gap when we make decisions to be like to make little excuses. Like, okay, I'm going to make a decision to lose weight, but on Sundays or Easter or whatever, I'm going to have that piece of cake.

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He's like, you got to steal that circle, right? There can't be any room for there to be any other way when you make that desired decision. And I see it all the time. And I say to my clients, when I lost all my excuses, I found my results. Right.

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I love laughing with my clients because they know with me now, did you do your homework assignment? I did Kelly butt. And I just look at them, they're like, I know, no butts, no butts. But I'm like, you either did or you didn't. There's no ifs.

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So I love it. I mean, I love talking about getting uncomfortable because it only happens outside your comfort zone. It only happens that's right. I love it. And I love how you explain that.

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So thank you for that. So you had talked a little bit also about feeling like a victim. Yes. And that's a hard place to get out of. I was there for a very long time myself after my brother died when I was twelve years old.

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And I did feel like a victim from that. And then of course, it just crosses over into every other area of your life because when you have that mentality, you're always going to be that victim. So for you, what was some steps that you took to help you get to a point where you could see that this happened for me and not to me? Yeah. So the mindset work.

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Yeah, thanks. That's a great question. It was for me, I started focusing on not what my body couldn't do for me, but what it could not what my mind couldn't do for me, but what it could. And I think what happened for me again was those self mastery classes where I got a really good look at myself. And I love how you worded that.

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I started learning to ask myself better questions, and when I learned to ask myself better questions, it changed the trajectory of my life. So like you said, instead of saying, why is this happening to me? I learned to ask myself, why is this happening for me? And what can I learn from this experience? So, for example, I had to get clear on what my values were.

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So it's not a motivation problem, it's a clarity problem. So what do I value? I didn't know what I valued. So I got really clear on that, right? I value my family.

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I value my faith. I value nature. I value this. And then I got clear on what is it I want to do, okay? I want to feel better.

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I want to have more close interpersonal relationships. Why is that important to me, and why does that matter? I want to feel safe and secure. I want to feel loved, those types of things. And then it came back to my values, right?

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So everything was kind of in alignment for me. So that was like, okay, this is happening for me. This experience happened for me to show me how resilient I am, how strong I am, right? Those types of things, instead of and so I started building on that. Then I started to look at things more optimistically.

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Not with, like, rose colored glasses, right? But just optimistically. I started to find humor in things, and I started to find the strengths I had instead of every weakness that I had. And so that started to change my mindset a little bit. I also didn't compare myself to others journeys as well, right?

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Like, I would look at other people and go, oh, she's so much further along than me. Oh, well, she had two back surgeries, and she's already back at work. Oh, she's doing this, right? Instead, I would ask them questions. Hey, you're doing a lot better.

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Can you share with me how you did that? I would get guidance and feedback, right? And I wouldn't take it as criticism. I would learn from it. I also sought out mentorship.

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I didn't need to have a lot of money at first, right, because I didn't. But I would find people that I wanted to learn from, who I wanted, what they had, and I would take guidance from them as well, right? So there was a lot of different things I started to do that didn't necessarily need me to spend a lot of money at first, because people are like, I don't have money to seek out mentorship. Get online, right? Just type in, listen to a podcast, right?

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Like, 30 minutes of new input every day. Sandy, if you're interested in something, instead of, like, binge watching or spending time on your phone or just checking out, look up an article you're interested in if you have anxiety, like, I was having anxiety, I would look up how to overcome anxiety, right? And I didn't take one huge step every day either, right? I would just move that needle a little bit sometimes. Maybe I could just look up the article and then put it down, right?

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Maybe I couldn't walk a mile with my back, but maybe I could just get outside and put my face up to the sun and then go back inside. So just little steps every day helped me to kind of overcome, and then I'd be like, I'm really proud of myself today, right? Instead of, I only did this today. Right? So I watched how I talked to myself, because I was listening all those little things.

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You can't lift 1000 pounds in a day, but you can lift one pound a thousand times. So those small, repeated efforts every day kind of got me there. Well, yeah. And resilience, I always teach my clients because I work with a lot of elite athletes. It's like a muscle.

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So when you compare it to muscle, resilience is like a muscle. Confidence is a muscle when you look at it that way. And you're not going to build that muscle strength overnight. And it's like just 1% better every day. Every day.

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Celebrate those wins. So important, because when we celebrate those wins, you're actually reprogramming your subconscious mind. Yes. Those new neural pathways. Yes, exactly.

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Yes. And that's it. 1% just consistency, consistency, consistency. And when you do that, like you said, every time you do that and you're proud of yourself, you create those new neuropathways every time. Then you come and speak negatively.

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It shuts those pathways. So then instead of creating that negative feedback loop, you're creating that reticular activating system that becomes more familiar for you. It's like when you buy a new car and you're like, nobody will have this car. And then you buy it and you see that car everywhere on the road. That's your particular activating system.

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That's like when you start to tell yourself something new that's not familiar. Like, I did good today. And then you take a little walk. You're like, I did good today. That becomes familiar for you now.

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Right? And so it's just then you start building that confidence. And that is that 1% confidence is acquired. People are like, how do I get confidence? It's acquired by doing exactly what you just said.

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1% every day. Yeah. So I just kept going, and I didn't just talk about it. Right? I remember I would tell my mom, I'm going to go back to school and I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do this.

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She's like, stop telling me. Show me. Right? So I started to put it into action a little bit too, every day. So it was just important to do all those little things.

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I remember I would go over to my mom's and I'd keep lifting up my sunglasses, and she's like, you don't need to show me your eyes anymore. I know you're clean now. Just go and do your thing. So I just went on my own little journey, and I didn't need it to be clear and specific. It was like I found my own spiritual journey.

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Yeah. It didn't have to look like anybody else's. That's right, because it's your journey. It's my journey. And you're on this journey for a reason.

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We were playing a little game when I was getting together with my book club, and somebody said to me, if there was one thing, you can change your life, what would it be? And I go nothing. And I'm like, no. I'm like, I am who I am today because of everything that I've gone through. And I wouldn't change a thing.

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I wouldn't change one little thing of it. Man, I love you. Yes. And people think I'm kind of nutty. The ones that haven't done all the spiritual work, it's like, I would not change one thing because if 1 second would have been different and I would not be on this podcast speaking with you.

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That's right. Every relationship, every journey, every trial, every tribulation got me exactly in this moment to be speaking with you. And I love the work that I because I've gained lessons from every single experience. I used to be so shameful about my past, and the minute I started sharing about it, I would share when I got the intoxic out of my car. I'd share when I got my ankle monitor off and people were like, me too.

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It gave people permission to do the same and not have to suffer in silence. And sometimes I forget that I'm on the other side of it. I'm like, I'm sharing my story, but people are still suffering with it. And so I took the thing that I was most shameful of and most afraid to speak about and turned it into my greatest, truest, unique gift to the world to help others. And people are now, like, feel like they can talk about it without shame because it's a disease.

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I was such a disease in my addiction. So I love being able to talk about my I would not change one thing about my journey, not one. Yeah. Oh, I love it. Kelly.

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This has just been so amazing. And we could talk for hours. So is there anything else that we haven't talked about that you'd like to share with the audience today and make sure you also give people your website and how they can find you? Yeah, I just want to tell anybody, if you are struggling, if you are going through anything, there are so many resources available to you. I have been following Sandy.

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She's just oh, man. One of the most amazing women makes me emotional, and I am here. We are opening group coaching at lower affordable rates for people that are struggling. And my website is www.myresiliencecoach.com. And Sandy, I just want to thank you for allowing me to share with you and your beautiful soul and anything I can do to support you because I love women, empowering women, and it's just been a blessing to be here with you today.

00:26:53
Thank you for sharing your space and time and energy with me. Thank you. Oh, my gosh, it's been amazing. And I do want to also mention all of this will be in the show notes. And how Kelly and I got connected is that we both were in the change book series that's Les Brown wrote the forward in that.

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And that's the fastest personal development book series in the world. And it was such an honor to be included in that with you as well. Absolutely. All right, Kelly, thank you so much. Thank you to all the listeners and just, yeah, check out Kelly and her website and gosh, so much wisdom and knowledge you have to share.

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So thank you. Wonderful. Thank you. Sandy, you as well. Blessing.

00:27:37
Thank you. All right.

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I certainly hope that you enjoyed today's interview. Thank you so much for joining me. And as always, I hope that you and your family are healthy and safe and that your lives are filled with peace, joy, and happiness. Take care, everyone.