346. Rediscovering Joy: Tonya Kay on Embracing Life After Empty Nesting

1
00:00:01,615 --> 00:00:04,422
Tanya Kay, so excited to have you on today.

2
00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:05,868
How's everything going?

3
00:00:06,046 --> 00:00:08,260
Great, thanks for having me.

4
00:00:08,471 --> 00:00:17,376
Yeah, my gosh, I'm so excited because I love speaking with other coaches that kind of do
similar things that I do because we can just like talk forever, right?

5
00:00:17,376 --> 00:00:26,041
So for the audience, Tanya is, well, actually I'm gonna read what you put in your first
paragraph, because I love this.

6
00:00:26,041 --> 00:00:29,523
When she's not paddle boarding down the Boise River.

7
00:00:30,265 --> 00:00:38,919
Tanya Kay is revolutionizing lives, helping clients shatter the chains of overthinking and
perfectionism.

8
00:00:38,919 --> 00:00:42,160
I'm a recovering perfectionist, so I love that.

9
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:48,922
And her transformative coaching enables women to step into their power, lead with
confidence, and live authentically.

10
00:00:49,223 --> 00:00:58,306
Those are three words that are so near and dear to my heart because I think as women,
sometimes we don't step into our power.

11
00:00:59,219 --> 00:01:01,652
I agree so much.

12
00:01:01,788 --> 00:01:04,591
isn't there so many times.

13
00:01:04,611 --> 00:01:11,579
I find that with the athletes and the entrepreneurs that I work with, confidence is the
number one area that people struggle with.

14
00:01:11,579 --> 00:01:14,662
And they don't even recognize that it's a lack of confidence.

15
00:01:14,662 --> 00:01:15,923
What have you found?

16
00:01:16,364 --> 00:01:26,907
The same thing I find in my coaching business as well as what you just said is people will
come in and they say, I really don't know what my purpose is.

17
00:01:26,907 --> 00:01:32,678
And when we start diving into that purpose, it's such a broad word.

18
00:01:33,219 --> 00:01:44,042
We really discovered that it's about that confidence level and self -confidence is
something that comes from within and learning to tap into that is

19
00:01:44,948 --> 00:01:47,522
is so liberating.

20
00:01:47,663 --> 00:01:57,901
It's so freeing to actually see the processes work and people just have those light bulb
moments where they're like, my gosh, this feels so good.

21
00:01:59,151 --> 00:02:10,271
So I love that you started with purpose because I'm at the age where a lot of my friends
are becoming empty nesters.

22
00:02:10,271 --> 00:02:26,291
I know I went through this in 2019, which set the trajectory for this podcast and my book
unbeknownst to me that that would set that up was becoming an empty nester because for the

23
00:02:26,291 --> 00:02:29,259
first time in my life, it's just me.

24
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:30,657
Mm -hmm.

25
00:02:31,247 --> 00:02:38,777
You know, I mean, I've been doing this, you know, I got certified to be a life coach in
2004 and I was doing it while my son was small.

26
00:02:38,777 --> 00:02:45,217
It was a way to keep me busy and be a stay at home mom, which I really never really wanted
to be.

27
00:02:45,217 --> 00:02:50,007
It just kind of fell into it and it was the best decision for our family at the time.

28
00:02:50,307 --> 00:02:52,697
And then I needed so much more.

29
00:02:52,697 --> 00:02:57,147
So what advice can you give to women that are in that situation?

30
00:02:57,147 --> 00:02:59,791
Because it's a real hard identity shift.

31
00:02:59,791 --> 00:03:07,911
for women when their entire lives, they gave up their career 20 years ago and now their
youngest is going off to college.

32
00:03:07,911 --> 00:03:09,405
Now what?

33
00:03:10,581 --> 00:03:11,631
wow.

34
00:03:12,483 --> 00:03:13,593
wow.

35
00:03:14,035 --> 00:03:24,425
With, you know, even though we haven't really even spoken before that space that you just
set up for me, it's my whole life.

36
00:03:24,425 --> 00:03:28,108
Like thank you for providing the stage for this.

37
00:03:29,551 --> 00:03:38,811
this little intuitive thing going on and quite honestly, and this is for my audience too,
I approve every single guest.

38
00:03:39,971 --> 00:03:43,651
know, episode 340 was released yesterday.

39
00:03:43,651 --> 00:03:52,181
I've interviewed over 370 people and I handpick every single one of my guests and I read
their bio and make the decision to have them on.

40
00:03:52,181 --> 00:03:55,291
And I don't even look at it to literally, what did I do?

41
00:03:55,291 --> 00:03:57,131
Two minutes before we showed up.

42
00:03:57,131 --> 00:03:59,193
And I do that for a reason.

43
00:03:59,193 --> 00:04:00,203
Tanya, I do that.

44
00:04:00,203 --> 00:04:01,394
I keep saying Tanya, Tanya.

45
00:04:01,394 --> 00:04:09,087
I have two best friends named Sonia, but when I see the word Tanya, I never know how to
enunciate it.

46
00:04:09,087 --> 00:04:11,348
Sorry, my audience knows.

47
00:04:11,348 --> 00:04:15,800
That is not my forte, pronunciation.

48
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,401
I really have to work on that.

49
00:04:17,401 --> 00:04:19,352
It's really getting bad.

50
00:04:19,872 --> 00:04:25,655
And I think it comes up because it's in my forefront, like, don't pronounce this correctly
and then I mess it up.

51
00:04:25,655 --> 00:04:26,553
Anyway.

52
00:04:26,553 --> 00:04:34,645
But yeah, I I find that it just works better for me because now we have this spontaneity
that neither one of us were expecting.

53
00:04:34,645 --> 00:04:35,991
So please continue.

54
00:04:35,991 --> 00:04:36,851
So, okay.

55
00:04:36,851 --> 00:04:38,914
So let's go back to the question.

56
00:04:38,914 --> 00:04:43,668
So the way I understood your question was how's empty nesting going for you?

57
00:04:43,668 --> 00:04:59,573
Okay, well, you know what is empty nesting that's so interesting because What what came up
for me is I've had

58
00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:02,434
twice that I've become empty nesting.

59
00:05:02,434 --> 00:05:07,754
So a little back history here, we have two sets of kits.

60
00:05:07,754 --> 00:05:09,542
They're 13 years apart.

61
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:22,656
So older kids, I'm a single mom at this time, my youngest of the three was just graduating
when my now husband and I were starting to date.

62
00:05:22,816 --> 00:05:27,108
And he had a three and a five year old, which are my bonus kids.

63
00:05:27,108 --> 00:05:29,779
And what a blessing.

64
00:05:29,779 --> 00:05:36,442
So I was heading into the first section of empty nesting and then was starting over.

65
00:05:36,534 --> 00:05:39,226
And my original thought was, I've done this.

66
00:05:39,226 --> 00:05:40,266
I've raised kids before.

67
00:05:40,266 --> 00:05:41,557
This is easy.

68
00:05:41,977 --> 00:05:42,768
excuse me.

69
00:05:42,768 --> 00:05:43,458
Nope.

70
00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:48,621
Because it's a different identity.

71
00:05:48,621 --> 00:06:02,759
So once I shifted through that identity and we worked through elementary school and middle
school and high school, again, it was so different coming at it from a step parenting

72
00:06:02,759 --> 00:06:03,950
point of view.

73
00:06:04,270 --> 00:06:18,610
The point being that at the end of that, which was 2022 when our youngest graduated and
moved out the same year, what happened is we thought, okay, well, we're ready for this

74
00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:21,590
because we've been co -parenting these children.

75
00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:26,470
So we've been part -time parents, week on, week off kind of thing.

76
00:06:26,990 --> 00:06:29,290
No, that's not what happened.

77
00:06:29,850 --> 00:06:34,330
My brain really got lost in

78
00:06:34,702 --> 00:06:36,683
purpose and identity.

79
00:06:36,683 --> 00:06:45,598
And even though I'd shifted several times, I didn't realize how much of my personal value
was tied to being needed.

80
00:06:45,598 --> 00:06:53,472
It's putting together lunches and meals and just being that that hub at home.

81
00:06:53,713 --> 00:07:02,738
And so we really had to relearn how to empty nest, how to, you know, what it was like to
actually have the freedom.

82
00:07:03,178 --> 00:07:06,942
inside the home that no one was just going to walk through the door at any time.

83
00:07:07,764 --> 00:07:10,117
And how do we actually communicate?

84
00:07:10,117 --> 00:07:12,430
How do we set up dinner time?

85
00:07:15,984 --> 00:07:19,094
my camera just shut off for a second so it's

86
00:07:19,094 --> 00:07:20,219
It's okay.

87
00:07:23,764 --> 00:07:38,200
As my husband and I were learning, what we really started to understand was that this new
phase for us gave us a new opportunity, a new lease on life.

88
00:07:38,260 --> 00:07:43,322
And as we settled into it, I think within the first, probably it took us about a year.

89
00:07:43,688 --> 00:07:48,761
And we really started to understand the freedom that came with it.

90
00:07:49,262 --> 00:07:53,525
And I've got to be honest, it's so much fun.

91
00:07:53,986 --> 00:07:55,617
It's like being a teenager again.

92
00:07:55,617 --> 00:08:03,152
You know how you just come and go and you're just the freedom to do whatever whenever,
only you have a little bit more money.

93
00:08:03,152 --> 00:08:10,177
But the other side of that is,

94
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:15,293
is now I get to pour into my friendships.

95
00:08:15,374 --> 00:08:18,858
I get to paddleboard more.

96
00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:21,000
I've picked up pickleball this year.

97
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:34,914
So I'm learning to dream again, to really be creative with my time and my imagination
where before I felt like, looking back, I felt like I was in this little box where

98
00:08:35,420 --> 00:08:43,234
I'm the mom or stepmom, whichever you want to call, and I'm a wife and I'm an
entrepreneur.

99
00:08:43,234 --> 00:08:45,214
Here are my roles.

100
00:08:45,335 --> 00:08:56,120
But when I actually took all the hats off and started to understand who I was at my core,
that's where I really started defining what my purpose is and how I show up in the world.

101
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,541
Because it isn't about finding my purpose.

102
00:08:58,541 --> 00:09:01,322
It's about becoming a better version of myself.

103
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:03,037
And how do I do that?

104
00:09:03,037 --> 00:09:10,290
Through just saying, yes, getting out and trying pickleball, which was, that's a whole
nother story.

105
00:09:10,931 --> 00:09:11,971
Wow.

106
00:09:11,992 --> 00:09:15,493
I've been schooled to be quite honest.

107
00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:28,107
Well, I'm a tennis player and I do play pickleball too and I'm considering taking it up a
little bit more because I don't get to play tennis enough.

108
00:09:28,510 --> 00:09:29,412
Yes.

109
00:09:29,418 --> 00:09:29,851
Yes.

110
00:09:29,851 --> 00:09:32,735
mean, that's really what it is for me, is I don't get it enough.

111
00:09:32,735 --> 00:09:37,542
I love that you said it's about...

112
00:09:37,542 --> 00:09:38,343
How did you say it?

113
00:09:38,343 --> 00:09:39,685
I loved what you said.

114
00:09:39,685 --> 00:09:44,240
it's about creating a better version of yourself.

115
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,090
Mm -hmm.

116
00:09:45,090 --> 00:09:46,010
Mm -hmm.

117
00:09:46,811 --> 00:09:56,543
Letting go of those, you know, really in the stage of life, empty nesting, know, mid -50s,
whatever, whenever your empty nesting hits.

118
00:09:56,543 --> 00:09:57,894
For some, it's a different age.

119
00:09:57,894 --> 00:10:01,365
But let's add menopause onto that.

120
00:10:01,365 --> 00:10:02,935
That's fun, too.

121
00:10:04,296 --> 00:10:13,378
And the thing is, is that what I'm really learning is those voices in my head really were
shaped by a lot of

122
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:20,203
outside influence and societal expectations of how I should show up.

123
00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:23,869
And I'm really starting to shed that skin and those thoughts.

124
00:10:24,018 --> 00:10:39,507
and be more of who I'm meant to be and just really embrace the weirdness and the
uniqueness and celebrating that individuality and really understanding that belonging in

125
00:10:39,507 --> 00:10:43,470
this world has nothing to do with trying to fit in anywhere.

126
00:10:44,335 --> 00:10:58,155
Yeah, you know what I found, like my son went off to college in 2019 and he took five
years, which I was completely supportive because I felt like there's no rush, you know,

127
00:10:58,155 --> 00:11:03,135
and I think that some, most universities, it's five classes a semester.

128
00:11:03,135 --> 00:11:07,667
And I think that five classes is too much for...

129
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,899
it's a lot for any student to do in a full -time basis.

130
00:11:10,899 --> 00:11:20,535
And then like, you know, the interesting thing is some of these private colleges that cost
triple the amount of a public university only requires four classes a semester.

131
00:11:20,535 --> 00:11:26,260
And I'm like, you know, so anyway, my son graduated this year in May.

132
00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:27,715
Congratulations.

133
00:11:27,715 --> 00:11:28,836
Thank you, yes.

134
00:11:28,836 --> 00:11:34,580
That was such a, because I just have the one and you said your bonus kids.

135
00:11:34,580 --> 00:11:38,832
I was fortunate that my bonus kids were already out of college when I got remarried.

136
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:52,252
I was like, because they're both amazing, beautiful, talented, successful young women that
I don't know that I had it in me to raise a daughter.

137
00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:55,394
So I was very grateful that they were already in college.

138
00:11:55,394 --> 00:11:57,795
Because it was like, I don't know.

139
00:11:58,115 --> 00:11:59,476
It could have been very different.

140
00:11:59,476 --> 00:12:04,107
But anyway, I found this year that it was like, yes, I have my identity.

141
00:12:04,107 --> 00:12:05,297
I know who I am.

142
00:12:05,297 --> 00:12:16,551
But what I found was that in many, many ways, even though I teach self -love and self
-awareness and I practice this through and through every single day, I realized that I

143
00:12:16,551 --> 00:12:24,263
still kind of forgot how to really take care of myself and to really make it about me for
the first time, where it's...

144
00:12:25,259 --> 00:12:26,730
not having to be on call.

145
00:12:26,730 --> 00:12:30,942
Because even though my son was in college, I was a single parent.

146
00:12:30,942 --> 00:12:36,846
I was remarried, but his father was not in the picture until almost until he almost
graduated from college.

147
00:12:36,846 --> 00:12:39,107
And so it was still just me where I was on call.

148
00:12:39,107 --> 00:12:44,290
I felt like I was on call and I had to be there emotionally supporting him and whatnot.

149
00:12:44,290 --> 00:12:46,861
And that was, it was kind of hard, right?

150
00:12:46,861 --> 00:12:51,313
And so then all of a sudden I'm not needed anymore at all.

151
00:12:52,014 --> 00:12:54,215
And you're, you know, like barely.

152
00:12:55,395 --> 00:12:57,237
I mean, my son's here in the house.

153
00:12:57,458 --> 00:13:01,244
got here last night because he goes between my house and his dad's.

154
00:13:01,244 --> 00:13:02,805
I haven't even seen him yet.

155
00:13:05,539 --> 00:13:06,780
You know, and that's okay, right?

156
00:13:06,780 --> 00:13:09,882
Because you gotta cut the umbilical cord at some point.

157
00:13:09,882 --> 00:13:13,384
But I found that now I'm rediscovering, like, hey, what do I like to do?

158
00:13:13,384 --> 00:13:16,206
I've got all this extra time now, emotionally.

159
00:13:16,206 --> 00:13:18,347
wasn't, the physical time has always been there.

160
00:13:18,347 --> 00:13:21,159
It was the emotional, right?

161
00:13:21,159 --> 00:13:23,240
Do you wanna talk about that a little bit?

162
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,458
Yeah.

163
00:13:24,458 --> 00:13:29,445
know, yes, I thank you for asking that.

164
00:13:29,445 --> 00:13:35,481
I think that's so important is, and especially from when you're, when you're.

165
00:13:35,790 --> 00:13:42,753
listening to outside voices and they're going, well, you have an empty nest, how could you
possibly be that busy?

166
00:13:42,893 --> 00:13:45,225
Or that it's really not about that.

167
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,155
It's exactly what you said.

168
00:13:47,155 --> 00:14:00,502
And when your mental and emotional space has been taken up, not taken up, maybe that's not
the right word, has been available for others or on call as you say, that...

169
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:06,071
There's not that sense of freedom to rediscover.

170
00:14:06,071 --> 00:14:23,389
You know, if you really think about where we are right now and you draw the line between
this space in our life and being a kid, remember how easy it was to be, to dream and to...

171
00:14:23,710 --> 00:14:26,156
Play pretend, if you will, right?

172
00:14:26,339 --> 00:14:31,432
Just do those things with freedom because you have all your other needs taken care of.

173
00:14:31,864 --> 00:14:32,466
Yeah.

174
00:14:32,466 --> 00:14:38,978
of where we're at in this space is that we've done all the things to take care of
ourselves, mostly financially.

175
00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:43,910
And we know what we need to do to feel good and to stay healthy.

176
00:14:44,090 --> 00:14:50,793
But relearning what that emotional mental space is, it's a whole new adventure.

177
00:14:50,793 --> 00:14:53,313
It's an entirely new adventure.

178
00:14:53,413 --> 00:14:54,834
And you know,

179
00:14:55,334 --> 00:15:02,498
If I'm really thinking about it, and I'm kind of going back in my memory here, I'm going
to go back to pickleball for a minute.

180
00:15:02,498 --> 00:15:13,113
And the reason I'm coming back to that is because when we're looking for our purpose or
we're trying to rediscover who we are, how do we know when we find them, when we find

181
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,204
ourselves?

182
00:15:14,384 --> 00:15:18,346
And one story that I have has to do with pickleball.

183
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,006
And it was something that I've always wanted to try.

184
00:15:21,006 --> 00:15:24,529
I played a couple of times and, okay, I'm all right.

185
00:15:24,529 --> 00:15:29,283
I've never played tennis, but tennis seemed like so much more running.

186
00:15:29,424 --> 00:15:31,726
I was not interested in that.

187
00:15:31,987 --> 00:15:34,008
That's why people do pickleball.

188
00:15:34,008 --> 00:15:35,139
Yes, yes.

189
00:15:35,139 --> 00:15:36,481
And with partners, right?

190
00:15:36,481 --> 00:15:38,453
So it's a foursome, right?

191
00:15:38,453 --> 00:15:39,273
So.

192
00:15:43,058 --> 00:15:54,887
space, I was playing, my husband had, I guess not my husband, Santa had brought me some
pickleball paddles for Christmas.

193
00:15:55,589 --> 00:16:03,535
So we were actually on the court for the first couple of times and we were playing against
some friends of ours.

194
00:16:03,695 --> 00:16:09,840
And I was really in the beginning part of rediscovering fun.

195
00:16:12,386 --> 00:16:17,200
What I realized is as I hit a really good shot, I was so proud of myself.

196
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,673
And I remember walking across the court just going, yes.

197
00:16:22,434 --> 00:16:24,296
And I started to giggle.

198
00:16:24,296 --> 00:16:31,722
And I recognized in that moment, I've had giggles, I've had laughs, but I recognized there
was that little girl again.

199
00:16:31,722 --> 00:16:34,474
And I went, hi, there you are.

200
00:16:34,474 --> 00:16:41,349
And what really stood out to me in that moment was, I want to spend more time with her.

201
00:16:41,892 --> 00:16:54,806
And I started to find ways that would bring her, and I know I'm talking about her kind of
in a third person, but I find more ways to spend time with her in that freedom and that

202
00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:59,967
giggle and how could she bring just more joy to my life?

203
00:17:00,667 --> 00:17:09,710
And that's, I don't know if I really answered the question, but that was just the simplest
way to kind of sum it all up.

204
00:17:09,710 --> 00:17:16,493
and bring that story forward was when you start doing things that give you freedom.

205
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:21,035
And I'm not saying Pickleball is going to do it for everyone because not everybody enjoys
things like that.

206
00:17:21,035 --> 00:17:28,318
But you'll find those spaces in your life in recognizing, hi, there you are.

207
00:17:28,318 --> 00:17:28,728
Right?

208
00:17:28,728 --> 00:17:36,922
And just the lightness that you feel, I think that's where your purpose starts, is just
finding that space of sheer joy.

209
00:17:37,833 --> 00:17:43,704
so beautifully said and I love how you related the story back to it because that's really
it.

210
00:17:44,065 --> 00:17:47,766
You know, that's why I love like for me, I like to run.

211
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:48,796
I'm a former runner.

212
00:17:48,796 --> 00:17:52,047
So I played doubles tennis.

213
00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:58,049
I'm working up to be playing singles tennis because that's the intensity that I'm looking
for.

214
00:17:58,049 --> 00:17:59,849
But that's how I feel.

215
00:17:59,849 --> 00:18:00,409
Right.

216
00:18:00,409 --> 00:18:07,131
You know, being a retired figure skater and US national and international coach.

217
00:18:07,181 --> 00:18:18,958
Like I love that the strategy and the intensity and the difficult, the level of
difficulty, right, to push myself.

218
00:18:18,958 --> 00:18:20,969
Like that's where I find that, right?

219
00:18:20,969 --> 00:18:24,400
Because that's my younger self, right?

220
00:18:25,041 --> 00:18:29,026
And how she finds her joy and I love that, I love that.

221
00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:29,946
that.

222
00:18:31,207 --> 00:18:49,383
You know, and I think that if you don't mind me sharing another story kind of along these
lines, we had a recent house guest and she, was, it's a relative in the family and, and

223
00:18:49,383 --> 00:18:53,414
it's an, and she brought an aunt who we've never met.

224
00:18:54,194 --> 00:18:58,794
and they drove across the country and have just done this road trip.

225
00:18:58,874 --> 00:19:04,874
So this aunt is in her 80s, 84 to be exact.

226
00:19:04,874 --> 00:19:11,764
Her and I are having coffee in the kitchen and I said, so Dory, what's next for you?

227
00:19:11,764 --> 00:19:19,114
She's telling me all about her travels and all these things and I'm going, when I grew up,
I just want to be like her, right?

228
00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:22,356
And she looked at me and she said, you know,

229
00:19:22,522 --> 00:19:26,105
I'm just trying to find ways to reinvent myself.

230
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:37,597
And it took me back for a moment because I'm thinking, wait, we're reinventing ourselves
our entire life.

231
00:19:37,737 --> 00:19:41,861
And so I asked her, said, so tell me, what does that mean for you?

232
00:19:42,546 --> 00:19:44,788
What does reinvent yourself mean to you?

233
00:19:44,788 --> 00:19:48,321
And she said, you know, I travel, I have fun.

234
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:52,495
I do all these things with my friends and I have a great life.

235
00:19:52,856 --> 00:19:58,571
But what I really mean by that is I just want to find more ways to laugh and to have more
fun.

236
00:19:58,571 --> 00:20:03,365
And I thought, wow, this is such a

237
00:20:03,844 --> 00:20:15,716
a testament to really paying attention to what brings us joy, what makes us giggle or
laugh, or something that we just find joy in that brings peace to our whole body, right?

238
00:20:16,344 --> 00:20:22,309
even if it's that competitiveness that you're finding and getting to that level of tennis,
right?

239
00:20:22,309 --> 00:20:29,655
That you're still finding joy in your body and you walk differently, you show up
differently, you engage with others differently.

240
00:20:29,655 --> 00:20:40,654
It makes a difference when you, even if you're a mama at home, not empty nesting yet, just
that one, even that five minutes of sheer joy.

241
00:20:43,926 --> 00:20:52,479
holding your baby or just snuggling or reading a book or going for a run, whatever that
thing is.

242
00:20:53,282 --> 00:20:55,204
We need to make time for that.

243
00:20:55,526 --> 00:20:58,530
We definitely need to make time for that in our lives.

244
00:20:58,681 --> 00:21:00,142
For sure, for sure.

245
00:21:00,142 --> 00:21:04,313
All right, so the last topic that I wanna talk about.

246
00:21:07,335 --> 00:21:12,237
And I think, so there's two, confidence and living authentically.

247
00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:16,939
Because I think that in order to live authentically, you need to be confident.

248
00:21:17,139 --> 00:21:21,702
Because not everyone is confident showing up as their authentic self.

249
00:21:21,702 --> 00:21:25,403
I have conversations like that all the time with people.

250
00:21:27,608 --> 00:21:34,192
They feel like they need to show up in a way that everybody else sees them.

251
00:21:34,252 --> 00:21:47,200
Or, right, I'm a woman, I have to cross my legs, I have to put one hand on my lap and hold
the dinner fork with the other hand, because that's prim and prop, right?

252
00:21:47,220 --> 00:21:51,923
We're showing up the way others have told us we're supposed to show up.

253
00:21:52,077 --> 00:21:55,961
And when you're doing that, you're not really being authentic and some people don't have
the confidence.

254
00:21:55,961 --> 00:21:59,294
So, we'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

255
00:22:01,022 --> 00:22:02,112
How much time do we have?

256
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:07,425
Cause I could talk about this all day long, I'm like, holy cow.

257
00:22:08,085 --> 00:22:09,486
Okay, okay.

258
00:22:09,486 --> 00:22:26,763
So really, if you're looking at this confidence level and you're right, we have this
innate fear of being judged because we've heard other people go, can you believe what

259
00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:27,976
she's wearing?

260
00:22:27,976 --> 00:22:29,787
he's doing or blah, blah, blah.

261
00:22:29,787 --> 00:22:31,977
Okay, so we've got to tune all those things out, right?

262
00:22:31,977 --> 00:22:39,330
That judgment space, we need to reserve judgment first and foremost if we want to become
more confident.

263
00:22:39,610 --> 00:22:50,928
And the thing is is that I think that showing up authentically really begins with sitting
down and understanding what your core values are.

264
00:22:50,928 --> 00:22:52,321
as a human, right?

265
00:22:52,321 --> 00:22:53,954
What matters to you most?

266
00:22:53,954 --> 00:22:55,127
Is it family?

267
00:22:55,127 --> 00:22:56,369
Is it loyalty?

268
00:22:56,369 --> 00:22:57,770
Is it friendship?

269
00:22:57,812 --> 00:23:00,517
Identify those three to five core values.

270
00:23:00,517 --> 00:23:02,540
That's where you start.

271
00:23:03,152 --> 00:23:06,993
And then you can go, am I living in those core values?

272
00:23:06,993 --> 00:23:10,124
And you can identify ways that you're not.

273
00:23:10,144 --> 00:23:21,788
And the reason that you feel judged or you're not able to show up authentically is because
you have a sense of imposter syndrome because you're not showing up by the things that

274
00:23:21,788 --> 00:23:23,489
really align with you.

275
00:23:23,609 --> 00:23:27,530
Your core values, Sandy and mine, are going to be completely different.

276
00:23:28,166 --> 00:23:37,228
And that's okay because we can have conversations like this where we, there is no way on
earth I'm ever gonna skate.

277
00:23:37,754 --> 00:23:39,595
I can't even get them on my feet.

278
00:23:39,595 --> 00:23:41,975
I'm like, no, that's not gonna work for me.

279
00:23:41,975 --> 00:23:50,838
But we can have these genuine conversations and showing up authentically is not worrying
about what other people are thinking.

280
00:23:50,838 --> 00:24:01,061
It's really stepping into this space where you get to be genuinely curious about others
instead of worrying about the what if they don't like me?

281
00:24:01,061 --> 00:24:03,021
What if I say something stupid?

282
00:24:03,021 --> 00:24:05,142
What if, what if, what if, what if?

283
00:24:05,584 --> 00:24:19,952
So when we really let go of others' expectations, understand our core values, and get
really curious with how we can engage with others, then it makes a difference.

284
00:24:20,173 --> 00:24:21,073
And I use...

285
00:24:23,366 --> 00:24:30,952
You know, I have an acronym that I use that actually helps you stand out and step into
that authenticity.

286
00:24:30,952 --> 00:24:32,452
And it's the bike.

287
00:24:32,973 --> 00:24:36,376
For those who can't see it, I have a bike on the wall behind me.

288
00:24:36,376 --> 00:24:37,336
Yeah.

289
00:24:37,467 --> 00:24:37,697
-huh.

290
00:24:37,697 --> 00:24:40,338
And there's reason for that.

291
00:24:41,059 --> 00:24:45,122
So the B stands for B -U, right?

292
00:24:45,394 --> 00:24:49,286
be authentically lit, just let go of all the expectations.

293
00:24:49,286 --> 00:24:51,237
The I stands for insight.

294
00:24:51,237 --> 00:24:53,457
What insight can I gain?

295
00:24:53,457 --> 00:24:55,479
What can I learn about the other person?

296
00:24:55,479 --> 00:24:59,140
What can I learn about myself, about the world around me?

297
00:24:59,140 --> 00:25:00,901
K stands for kindness.

298
00:25:00,901 --> 00:25:01,672
That one's easy.

299
00:25:01,672 --> 00:25:03,272
That's not hard to forget.

300
00:25:03,272 --> 00:25:07,904
And the E stands for engage, like true engagement.

301
00:25:08,165 --> 00:25:15,520
And Brene Brown brings us into this sector of engagement where we're starving.

302
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:20,164
in this day and age for connection, true and genuine connection.

303
00:25:20,164 --> 00:25:30,823
So when you're engaging with others, leaving behind that judgment, showing up as yourself,
and really being curious, that connection, that engagement and connection, connection is

304
00:25:30,823 --> 00:25:36,978
the energy that's created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.

305
00:25:36,978 --> 00:25:42,082
And that's where that authenticity and confidence starts.

306
00:25:42,532 --> 00:25:46,084
starting with those core values, bring your bike along, right?

307
00:25:46,084 --> 00:25:52,728
Use that bike acronym so that it kind of helps hone those skills.

308
00:25:53,129 --> 00:26:00,953
And it's just easier to really show up in the world when you just let go of all those
outside expectations.

309
00:26:01,420 --> 00:26:02,281
I love it.

310
00:26:02,281 --> 00:26:06,855
know a friend of mine told me years ago and it's like people like can I use that?

311
00:26:06,855 --> 00:26:19,269
I'm like of course because I didn't make this up and I don't I'm sure she got it from
somebody else but she said to me and her it was one of my Sonia friends and she said she

312
00:26:19,269 --> 00:26:23,322
goes Sandy what other people think of you is none of your business.

313
00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:25,142
100%.

314
00:26:25,815 --> 00:26:32,898
And so I have to remember that because it's so, and as a figure skater, you're always
being judged.

315
00:26:33,979 --> 00:26:43,863
And so it's, I always feel like I'm being judged, always, because when you're being judged
from a very young age on what you're doing.

316
00:26:44,941 --> 00:26:47,934
you're gonna always be worried about what other people think.

317
00:26:47,934 --> 00:26:59,563
So that's kind of been like an Achilles heel for me my entire life, is letting that go of
like, it's okay if they don't like you.

318
00:26:59,563 --> 00:27:01,334
It's okay if they don't like you.

319
00:27:01,334 --> 00:27:03,206
Not everybody's going to like you.

320
00:27:03,206 --> 00:27:05,448
It's okay, right?

321
00:27:06,369 --> 00:27:08,491
Yeah.

322
00:27:08,491 --> 00:27:11,814
It's hard to practice, but for sure.

323
00:27:11,814 --> 00:27:12,464
Yeah.

324
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:13,995
my gosh, I love that.

325
00:27:14,519 --> 00:27:17,699
Wow, this has been such a great conversation.

326
00:27:17,699 --> 00:27:22,923
Is there anything else that we haven't talked about that you'd like to share with the
audience today?

327
00:27:23,636 --> 00:27:26,028
my gosh, we've covered so many things.

328
00:27:26,389 --> 00:27:34,876
You know, I think that the message I would love to leave people with is do the work.

329
00:27:34,876 --> 00:27:47,797
Do the work to really get to know yourself, whether you're an empty nester or a mama with
little ones running, it's important to really just have those moments, even if it's only

330
00:27:47,797 --> 00:27:51,170
alone in the shower, right, where you re

331
00:27:53,713 --> 00:27:55,875
how you can show up in the world.

332
00:27:56,237 --> 00:28:02,064
That's so important and I think just learn to love yourself and that takes time.

333
00:28:02,146 --> 00:28:04,208
Surround yourself with those people.

334
00:28:04,699 --> 00:28:05,580
Yes.

335
00:28:05,580 --> 00:28:08,862
Well, it's that connection and community you need.

336
00:28:08,862 --> 00:28:20,349
I read a survey, it's probably been five plus years now, that said, science and the data
shows that men live longer if they're married.

337
00:28:20,569 --> 00:28:20,839
Right?

338
00:28:20,839 --> 00:28:24,091
Because they have somebody to take care of them, right?

339
00:28:25,112 --> 00:28:29,745
Women live longer when they have good girlfriends.

340
00:28:29,745 --> 00:28:30,926
Yes.

341
00:28:32,208 --> 00:28:34,537
Yes, the connection.

342
00:28:34,537 --> 00:28:36,678
the connection, the connection for sure.

343
00:28:36,678 --> 00:28:38,650
So thank you so much.

344
00:28:38,650 --> 00:28:41,503
Where can people get in touch with you?

345
00:28:41,503 --> 00:28:47,728
I know we'll have it in the show notes, your website.

346
00:28:48,229 --> 00:28:50,902
If you can just leave that real quick.

347
00:28:50,902 --> 00:29:01,927
So people can can reach me on my website, tanyak .co, c -o -not .com or connect with me on
social media.

348
00:29:01,927 --> 00:29:07,549
And I love to just engage with new people and

349
00:29:07,751 --> 00:29:12,446
And in the show notes, they'll have access to my calendar.

350
00:29:12,446 --> 00:29:19,183
If you want to have a few minutes where you really want to talk through a few things, I'm
available for it.

351
00:29:19,183 --> 00:29:20,154
I'm here for it.

352
00:29:20,154 --> 00:29:23,557
I love meeting and connecting with new people.

353
00:29:23,737 --> 00:29:24,628
Fantastic.

354
00:29:24,628 --> 00:29:25,509
I love it.

355
00:29:25,509 --> 00:29:29,452
Thank you so much for joining me today, for everybody out there listening.

356
00:29:29,452 --> 00:29:30,533
Thank you so much.

357
00:29:30,533 --> 00:29:37,599
Please take care of yourself, your family, and I hope that every day for you is happy and
peaceful.

358
00:29:37,599 --> 00:29:39,019
Take care, everyone.

359
00:29:39,435 --> 00:29:40,569
Bye for now.