328. From Ballroom Dancing to Better Relationships: One Man's Journey to Healing Connections with Andre Paradis

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Hey, there. I'm Sandee Sgarlata, and welcome to the Happiness Solve podcast. Twice a week, we explore the journey to finding true happiness by sharing inspiring stories, practical tips, and insightful conversations with some of today's leading experts. But we don't just scratch the surface. We dive deep into the real grit of what it takes to live a genuinely happy life.

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Whether you're looking to improve your well being, enhance your relationships, or simply add more joy to your life, you're in the right place. So grab your favorite beverage, get comfortable, and let's dive into today's episode, because happiness is a choice, and the choice is yours.

00:00:47
Andre Paradis. I said it right. Woo hoo. So excited to have you on. We just had such a great conversation, and I was trying to put the brakes on it because I was like, we got to save those golden nuggets for when we're recording.

00:01:00
So, for everybody who have not heard of the amazing Andre Paradis, he is a real inspirational relationship coach. And I'm going to have him talk about his background, because I saw in your profile that you're a professional dancer, but I didn't know you were a ballroom, because I've got a gold medal in ice dancing. So that is like, oh, like, I want a ballroom dance so bad. Like, I have visions of being the first podcaster on Dancing with the Stars. Right?

00:01:35
And I've interviewed two people. I interviewed Junior Martinez, who won Dancing with the Stars, and I've interviewed Brooke Burke, who won and hosted it. So I'm like, okay, like, there's a sign from the universe there. Like somebody wants, you know, like, anyway, Andre, please, please introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about how you got to being, you know, from a professional dancer to a relationship coach. So, my title officially is a relationship coach.

00:02:08
I do NLP coaching for the energy trauma release that is necessary to get people in healthy relationships. I can't get anybody in a healthy relationship till we clean up your baggage. So NLP is a beautiful, fantastic. That's a quick, efficient way to do this. Lovely.

00:02:24
Essential, essential. I'm an educator of effective communication strategies. This is the work that I do with the clients. Communication with all relationships, personal, family, business is primary, and we hear this all the time. Communication is a thing.

00:02:38
Communication is the thing. But people truly don't. People think communication is the words that you use. For me, it's the results that you get. And when you think of communicating, especially in the realm of men and women, people don't get this.

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It is like, it's so like, it's such a big part of my business. Like, men and women don't speak the same way and don't listen the same way. And it's like, what do you mean? I look at you, we speak English. I understand the words that come out of my mouth.

00:03:04
No, no, no. And it sounds ridiculous, but we don't understand how. We literally don't speak in the sense. Anyway. So communication strategies is, again, in relationships, love relationships are the most, um, calibrated.

00:03:18
Do you know what I mean? We think things more personally. It's so obvious what should have been said, what it should have been done that you don't say this, you don't do that. Right? So, but again, communication, the, the art of communication, if you can master it in your love dynamic, you're a master everywhere.

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Because again, this is the most highly calibrated. So that's part of my work, you know? So strategies of. I have, I've teached the ladies Menglish. Oh, okay, right.

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There's a paradigm with men of respect. And that all comes down to the language that you use. But we don't know this, right? So women find men resisting, right? Pulling back, becoming cold and distant.

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I want to tell you this. What happens there? Because men are responding to women like you cannot believe, right? And so I would always say this, the dynamic, it's not all women's fault, obviously. Cause I also teach the men what the women need to hear, whether women need to connect to feel safe.

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Right? So there's two worlds here, however. Like, not understanding men for women is probably the biggest pain point, you know, how come he doesn't talk to me and I get the one word answer and, you know, he. So then the conclusion. Cause you jump to conclusion that he obviously doesn't respect me or care for me or wants to be part of his life.

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And it hurts your feelings and indeed you pull out or pull back, you know, and the thing kind of gets frazzled. And so we don't understand these things. So that's a huge part of my work is the communication part that is literally not in the realm of what I'm talking about. Men, women, a blind spot for most people. And we get in trouble.

00:05:03
We don't know why. Yeah, yeah. As you're talking, I'm thinking about my marriage. And so my husband and I on, in two days, we have our twelve year anniversary of being together and nine year, nine years of marriage because he wanted to get married on the, on the same date that we met. So he didn't have to remember two days.

00:05:25
It was a Monday. We got married on a Monday because of that. Right. Sure.

00:05:32
That's pretty clever. That's pretty clever. Hey, we got a cheap. We didn't have to pay for the ballroom space. I get it.

00:05:39
I get it. They're usually closed on Mondays, but he was married for 20 years. I was married for 21. And early on in our relationship, we talked about it because we both knew that part of the breakdown of that was the lack of communication. So we've worked very, very hard on it.

00:05:59
And it's a challenge because we're totally different species. It's not even, like, a different chromosome in the DNA. We are completely different species. Thank you. And.

00:06:11
Yeah. So I love this. I love this conversation. Let's step back. I want to know more about Menglish.

00:06:19
Can you, for all the women listeners out there, can you give us some tips on how to speak menglish? Well, it's a big conversation, so if I would cheat you if I gave you some details here, because it'll go over your head. What? But if I could wrap it up so you understand the paradigm is men and women have what I call completely different. I call it self doubt.

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Okay? We, at a core of us, we operate with a question mark on our hearts. And for women, is, am I lovable? Am I truly lovable? Can you love me in this body with all my flaws that we're not aware of?

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But you are, right? Ask a woman what's wrong with her. She's an avalanche of, you know, stuff, and we're like, well, I just think you're beautiful. Like, we don't see details. Our brains are different.

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You said it, right? Like Mars and Venus. It's much bigger than that. We're completely different. Which is also part of the problem in my world, because there's such a pace with equality out there right now.

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And people have taken that into, we're equal beings. Men should be more feminine. Women should be more masculine. Hell, that's. No, it's not at all.

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So it's. We have to stay in our Sandees for things to work. And it's very traditional anyway. So now I could go off doing all of that, but Minglish is. Is the respectful language of men that men need to show up for you.

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And if you don't know how to speak minglish, you will find yourself leaning on man, mothering man. And that makes him step right back. So every woman in the world says, I can't talk to him. He scold his distance. You don't know how to speak English.

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Now, why you should know is, again, your approach to language communication and asking is completely blind. It's a blind spot that men don't respond to. So if you don't know how to invite him to adjust, to pivot, to give you more, bring you more, right? Like whatever the need that you have, because women in connection for safety, and that's how you get to relax and being your bodies and feminine where we like it the most, right. Then you need to understand how to get us to you that way.

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So it's with two different machines. So Menglish is really a language of respect. To have men see you as an invitation for his support, for his help, for his opinion, for his adjusting his behavior, for your pleasure and comfort. Because in the end, instinctively we just want you to be happy. But if you mother me, you're not getting anything.

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If you. If you demand that I change, that I spend more time with you, I get this. If you ask, even asking for more, different, better anything, you will get less, period. Try it. Try just leaning on your man and say, I need to.

00:09:11
We need to spend more time together. Watch what happens. You'll get less time together. Not because it's a jerk, because there's a command in that. And men do not respond to command, especially from their wives and mothers.

00:09:23
They don't, man. Men do not respond. We spend a lifetime getting away from our mothers who push us around and bully us. And some sometimes, but literally just no. I only have one child and he's a boy.

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So like, yes, he's 23. And like, please don't tell me that. But it's not your fault. Like, in the name of raising us, you will correct us, will guide us, you will punish us, will right? And really, in the end, you know, by the time I get to be a grown up, I'm not.

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Nobody gets to do that to me ever again, men or women. But we're much more sensitive to it. Coming from the women to be mothered is the most disrespectful thing in the world. So if you ask for more time, more energy, more, you know, dates, more sex, you get less. Not because we're jerks, because the instinct is you don't get to demand anything from me.

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The key here, which is an invitation, and Paul has instinct to provide, protect, give, cherish, support. Like, it's a whole. It's something that we don't understand because you, again, in the name of equality, you spend your time at work going, I need this done. And if this done, and eat like this and it like that, right? This needs to be done.

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It's all efficient, right? That's masculine. That's beautiful. It works for work. Try this with your man.

00:10:40
It won't work. And you'll think it's a jerk. So instead of saying, honey, we need to spend more time together, instead, honey, I made plans for us to go to dinner or, honey, would you like to go to have a cup of coffee with me and go to a coffee shop or. So. So is that what you're referring to?

00:10:59
No. No. What you just did is still masking it. Okay. I made plan for us.

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Why are you making plan for us unless you put that on your to do list? What I'm saying is, you know, men will take charge. Men will lead. We pride ourselves in that. We pride ourselves in that.

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Unless you do it for me. And then I'll say, oh, I guess she wants to do it and let you do it. And this is how women often get stuck in. He doesn't do anything. He doesn't pride anything.

00:11:23
He doesn't. He lets me do all this stuff. I go. Because if you do it for me, I'm going to assume that you like doing it and. Or that, you know, like, you'll handle it before even, you know, if instead of asking me.

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Instead of asking, inviting me to, if you do it up front, you make the plans and. Oh, so, you know, no, you put me in a feminine. If you make the plan, and again, for most men, they won't respond. They won't respond to that, period. So how would, how would you approach that, that one scenario?

00:11:56
An invitation. An invitation. An invitation. Right. This an invitation.

00:12:02
Like, I, you know, I know you're working really hard and thank you for everything you're doing, but maybe you put, maybe on, you put, you could put on your radar a little, save you a little space for us. I'm feeling disconnected and love for us to spend more time together. That's an invitation. So that's a simple, so simple. But that's typically not what you do.

00:12:21
You wait till you're frustrated. You wait till you're disconnected. You wait till you feel distant. You wait till. And you get frustrated, and you go, you know what?

00:12:28
You know what? Like, we need to spend time together. And he's like, okay, thanks, mom. No. And again, he won't.

00:12:35
He. And again, it's just literally, it's not because we're jerks. It's really the ultimate masculine masculinity is to be autonomous and to make your choices. And when you take my choice away. I get, you get, you get resistance and you think it's a jerk.

00:12:51
That's not it. You don't understand the way his brain is wired. You're smiling because you're putting together. Smiling because you don't think he's a jerk. I just call mine an asshole.

00:13:02
I'm like, no, you're just such an asshole. Like, what are you doing, right? And guess what happened there? That disrespect, even calling him names or even assuming is a jerk and asshole. Right?

00:13:13
This, this is exactly who's gonna poof. More distance. Right? And then you think, okay, get this, because what's happening to you ladies? God, there's so many layers here.

00:13:22
Like, just in when. Okay. Women are highly sensitive to criticism. Yes. Right?

00:13:32
Because criticism will change you, you know, if I tell my wife, you know, that dinner, I don't know what happened there, but not your best work. She'll never do that dish ever again. If I tell her. The shirt you're wearing, that color on you, it's a little. Yeah, that's not, like, not.

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I'm just saying, right, like this. I don't like that color on you. It doesn't really work on it. I'm lovingly telling you what's not working. And you should know this.

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So for us, like, telling you things that don't work for us, to us, we think we're being helpful and loving, to you, it's criticism. If I tell my wife that collar shirt doesn't work on you, she will never wear that collar in front of me ever again. She'll burn it. She'll burn it. Right?

00:14:14
So women are highly, highly sensitive to criticism. We don't know this because for us, criticism is an act of love. If I tell my buddy to get his shit together because he's screwing up and I'm going to put my foot in his ass. Wake the hell up because he's ruining your marriage, I could yell at him. I could be harsh.

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And actually I need to be because I'm so frustrated with him. But man on man is an act of love. If I didn't care for him, I wouldn't say anything because I don't care. Right, but is it because men are just trying to fix stuff? That's our paradigm.

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That's how go to. That's our instinct. That's the first thing we do. We're neurotic fixers. But to watch my buddy scrub his marriage because he's being stupid, I'm gonna yell at him.

00:14:57
But that's an act of love because. He knows with that. But if a woman started doing that to another woman, oh, there'd be a huge cat fight. So. And what I'm saying, yes.

00:15:06
So criticism on men is love, and we think we love you. We say, babe, that doesn't work. You know, why do you do this? It's kind of weird for me, and I don't like it. A criticism to a woman changes you forever.

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It kind of breaks you from the inside again. You'll never wear that color again. You'll never make that dish again. So what happens is so powerful in you ladies, and it's like you have to be, just a tone will sound as a criticism will change you. It's crazy delicate.

00:15:34
We don't know this. Again, for us, it's like. And then we end up saying stuff like, I can't tell you anything. You're too sensitive. I'm trying to help.

00:15:40
And then we stop talking because you're crying. My point is in the reverse. You ladies will criticize us, thinking it's going to change us like it changes you, but it doesn't. We look at you like, what the hell, right? Disrespectful more so is what we get, right?

00:15:58
And so we step back, we literally go like this. And then you lose us. So you're amazed that we don't change when you just, like, when you criticize us because it's so powerful on you. Mars and Venus, here it is again. We don't function the same.

00:16:11
And if you do to us things that work on you, you'll find yourself standing there alone, wondering what happened. Because I left now, because I won't take that. I can't deal with that. I'm not okay with this. Again, you can't lean on me.

00:16:25
You can't mother me. It's disrespectful. But to you, it's not disrespectful. I'm just trying to. Yeah.

00:16:33
Again, not knowing how to do it just. It's so delicate. My favorite thing to do is teach couples this. Do you know me? Because they, they come to me because they're in trouble.

00:16:41
Because he's such a. She's not, you know, I can't tell anything. And he's such a cold. Yeah. You guys have done the whole standard men women thing, that sort of, we assume the other one should respond, act, speak a certain way.

00:16:55
And if they don't, they're misbehaving. That's not it. We're different completely. Like you said, we're complementary. You have to understand how it works instinctively for the other.

00:17:06
It's not that hard, but nobody's teaching that. That's my work. Love it, love it. Just real quickly, I just want to share the story with my husband and I. He's so amazing.

00:17:21
Truly. Like I hit the, I hit the jackpot when I met my husband. And here's the main reason why. Like, he's handsome, he's successful, you know, all of those things aside, don't even matter what, what really changed it for me is the first year and a half of our relationship, I didn't know how broken I was from the 21 year marriage that I had. Right.

00:17:45
And one day, so like he would, situation would happen and I would automatically assume that he was going to react with the way my ex husband would react. Right, right. And I'm surprised he didn't dump me because of it, right. Because I was like being really hard on him. And one day he finally, he figured it out.

00:18:08
I don't know if he talked to somebody that helped him with this weakening. He held both of my hands and he goes, Sandy, you're having a marcism.

00:18:19
Is my projecting on me the story of the 20 year, 21 years of marriage. You're projecting on me his crap. That's right. And I can say this on my show, I have a very good relationship with my ex husband and I actually shared this story with him and I, because he was having an issue with, you know, somebody they dated. He doesn't date her anymore.

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And it wasn't like an issue. And I said, and I shared this story and I said, that's what's happening. I said, you know, it sounds like she's doing that too. Right. With you.

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And it was just so brilliant and it changed everything. He healed my heart. Yep. You know, he helped me to heal my heart. Right.

00:19:01
By doing that. Because what it enabled me to do was when he would behave in a certain way, it triggered something in me. Right. The past trauma. Right.

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It just was a trigger. And I would, I was able to stop and be like, you're having a marcism. He's not going to respond the same way. And it was just, you know, life changing. Not to say that we, you know, obviously we were, I'm a man, he's a woman, we're going to have our conflicts.

00:19:29
Yeah. It's a continuing journey. But to take responsibility from your side of it as opposed to projecting. Right. That we all do this, by the way.

00:19:38
We all do this. And most of us, most of us can't get in healthy relationship in the first place because we're projecting our parents, our fathers, our mothers, the way that the things that we concluded that we're not good enough, that we, you know, we're not worthy. And so we project, literally, get this. A man's first love affair is his mother. A woman's first love affair is her father.

00:20:01
So if father was absent or no good or drunk like, women have to basically man up and protect themselves because they don't feel safe in the world as a five year old. And this is the pig is the beginning of the disconnect to their own femininity which carries through life. Right? So if you're going to be your own protector as a little girl and all the way into the adulthood, guess what happens? You continue because it's a mechanism and it doesn't stop.

00:20:28
Right. For boys, it's the other way around. A boy, if a mother is disrespectful to her son, she literally castrates him into staying in his feminine. You cannot develop his manhood, especially if there's no father. Right?

00:20:41
There's no father role model. So single motherhood for boys is really, really terrible because you raise a boy to be sweet, sensitive, kind, talkative, vulnerable. It doesn't make for a man that's powerful, that women appreciate, that women can trust and feel safe with because he's too soft. Right. So these are, these are all connected to childhood.

00:21:01
So it's not even, you know, so that trauma for mom and dad, whichever way, with. And even with modeling, role modeling. And sometimes, sometimes mom is more masculine and dad's feminine and the boy would actually, you know, roll model after, after him, which keeps him in a terrible state of not being able to conquer to, you know, like build himself up. He's too soft. And these are the guys that get put into friend zone.

00:21:27
And so, but that's sort of my point is it all stems in the decisions, the training and the, the training and the role modeling that was around us when we were little. And it's like, it's not eleven years old as five and six. We make decision about the world, ourselves, life and people. Yep. So if you carry around this thing as a woman that you're not lovable because that this circumstance of your life, you're going to end up picking men in the world that are not available and you're going to try to fix them into the daddy you should have had and it never works.

00:22:03
It's a disaster. So that's part of the NLP and you know, trauma release, because, like, you just figured out, right, when you can actually catch yourself in the. Oh, I'm just. It's. It's a reflex, right now it's a trigger, right?

00:22:17
And they go, if you could catch it and go, wait, is this true? Is that what he's doing? Is that what she's doing? Is it really, like, am I. Is he showing me that I'm not lovable?

00:22:27
No. Hold on. Let me say. Okay, breathe. Breathe.

00:22:30
Hold on. That's a go to. Is it the truth? And then again, if you have a conversation. Babe, when you did this, it made me feel like this.

00:22:37
Is that what you meant? That's it. That's the communication stuff I'm talking about. Like, how do you approach and communicate? So do.

00:22:44
You don't trigger a fight. You don't approach a sideways. You don't mother or accuse an atone in a conversation because you're hurt. Right. How do you actually show up neutral and then use the words that actually make them understand and not push back.

00:23:05
Right. They don't feel attacked. And then as a hero, especially with men, they want to be. We want to be heroes. We want to fix things neurotically.

00:23:12
So if you approach me with. When you said that, it made me feel like this and I didn't like it, is that what you meant to do? What? What? What?

00:23:20
That's not what I like. Because often, again, the trigger is a. It's a knee jerk reaction. It could be from the past and. Or a misunderstanding.

00:23:29
Right. Because sometimes we could be aloof and forget stuff. So when you approach him respectfully, you will get either an explanation because you had it wrong completely. Because you assume, just like you did with your ex. Right?

00:23:41
But if you approach him respectfully, you'll get an explanation. That's not what I meant. This isn't what I do. This is who I am. And.

00:23:48
Or you get an apology. Because you're right. I completely forgot. I. It makes you feel unworthy, like, not lovable, and so you're triggered, the little girl in you.

00:23:58
But, yes. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. I'm. My bad.

00:24:02
I'm sorry. Okay, now we're fixed. He's not a jerk, right? And the trigger kind of gets released. And so those are delicate moments.

00:24:11
But it's the small moments. And I say this all the time. There's the small moments that accumulate, the small disconnect, the small hurt. The stuff that you don't know how to bring forth because you don't have a fight. Right.

00:24:24
Because every time you bring it up, it turns. He resists, pushes back, and now he's. It's even worse. So you don't bring it up because no big deal, right? And you kind of let it slide and two days later, you forgot about it.

00:24:34
Everything's good. It's not good. Stacks up. It stacks up. So it's all the small injuries that actually destroys people and it makes them come undone.

00:24:44
It's not the big stuff. It's not the affairs. By the time this big stuff happens, there's been an avalanche of little disconnect. So that's what I said. I.

00:24:51
I call it, you have to clean the pancake plate. Because every injury, if you let it pile up at the pancake plate, pancake, pancake, pancake, right? The little injuries that he knows nothing about because you know how to bring it up. And the next day you feel better, so you just go, it's no big deal. Because if you bring it up again, it may start a fight and then a disconnect.

00:25:11
So you don't do it. But, you know, you let the pancake plate stacks up. And one more. One morning, it's happened to me, you know, she spends 2 hours cleaning the kitchen. I come in my cup of coffee, put it on the counter, and all of a sudden I get the whole plate thrown in my head because I'm a jerk.

00:25:27
I don't care. I'm sensitive. It's all about me. I don't understand and appreciate all that she does. I'm like, wait, wait.

00:25:38
Because I put this on the counter. This. This is the. This is what I. This is the injury.

00:25:44
This is. I'm a jerk. I don't care. I don't love her, I don't appreciate her. I take her.

00:25:49
What? But again, it's not the cup, it's the pancake on top. So I get the whole plate thrown at me for. So, ladies, that's what I'm saying. Like, again, back to menglish, back to respectful language, back to clean up the plate.

00:26:02
You don't let the pancake plate stack up because you could lose it at one point because you can't take it any longer and you're going to attack him and throw the plate his head. And you have to understand, when you deal with men, you deal with warriors. Attack. A warrior doesn't matter who's attacking. You're getting pushback.

00:26:19
And it's worse. That's. That's what we tend to do without knowing. Anyway. So I could ramble on all day, but you get what I'm saying.

00:26:26
Right. It's, yeah. It's knowing how to do that. It's knowing how to do that. It's conflict resolution skills that people come closer together when you could, you could manage things, you could negotiate things, you could fight fairly as opposed to not.

00:26:45
Well, you know, you unpacked a whole bunch right there. And when you were talking about it, I'm like, no, no, it's perfect. It's awesome. And I was thinking, pretty much almost every single argument I've gotten into with my husband is because he said something and I made an assumption. Right.

00:27:06
I made up a story.

00:27:10
That's Louie Louis, the rescue. Somebody abandoned him on the balcony in Los Angeles. What kind of dog is he? He's a little Yorkie. I have a Yorkie poo.

00:27:22
Yeah. I'm a big dog person, so I, like, was not comfortable with it. A little foo foo dog. But it looks right in the eyes and he's got me by the soul. The moment I met, they're, they're, they're like, they have such big hearts and they think they're, most of them think that they're like 85 pound Rottweiler.

00:27:41
Right? Like, they're just like, er. Anyway, back to what we were saying. Yes. You know, the thing is, is we, you said to ask yourself, is this true?

00:27:51
And just to add on to that, in communicating, just in every day of our life, we make up stories about what we're perceiving is happening. And 99.9% of the time we're wrong because we're just making, we're making stuff up. And I'm going to be, I'm going to say this. It's going to sound sexist. It's just not.

00:28:14
This is more of a woman's, you know, like, go to, you know, if you're not sure what's happening, you're gonna make up the worst story. You know, you're gonna fill it. You're gonna fill up the blanks with, oh, well, obviously, like, I can tell you stories about this. They're hysterical. Where a guy is saying to his girlfriend in front of me, in front of me, it was hysterical.

00:28:33
A couple of friends of ours in front of me said he changed the plan. He didn't want to come over on Friday night. Yes. What takes 45 minutes to get his house and he was working at long week and you have to get up early. So he says, you know, I know we have plans to meet on Friday, but, you know, I want to cancel.

00:28:48
I want you to travel to my house. And I want to go to bed early and I'll be no good company. And that's just. Well, just let's just, like, push it back. And she's like, what do you mean by that?

00:28:59
He goes, well, I just said it. She's like, are you mad at me? Is like, what the hell? Right? Because for her, him changing his plan was unusual, and she thought there was something else going on.

00:29:11
But he's saying exactly what he's saying. This is, again, talking about, like, what we say, you don't hear. And when you say, we don't hear, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. I can't even tell you.

00:29:21
I can. I could tell you stories to make your head a curly's mind. Like, it's crazy, but, like, there is in front of me. And so she's getting her feelings hurt because he's trying to make the plan change a plan. And she's convinced there's something else going on, right?

00:29:33
Because he's never done it before. Sherry, she already has him in an affair and. Oh, straight up. So by the time, by the time she kept saying, like, are you mad at me? And it's like, you know, you don't want me to come over.

00:29:43
He's like, like, the first time he said it, he was just like, look, I'm tired. I need to go a bit early. I don't want you. I'm over 45 minutes on the road to get to me when I'm half asleep and I need to get up early. And some of them, I'm not going to be good company.

00:29:55
I don't want you to come over. I'm not going to be good company, and I want to go to bed early. That's very clear. He's taking care of himself. He knows what kind of day he's having, the tomorrow, and he's had a long week.

00:30:03
He just said all that. She's like, uh, uh, something's wrong. So when she says, are you mad at me? He's like, what? So you got a little irritated?

00:30:12
Because I'm going to say this with all the love in my heart, ladies, when you start questioning us on stuff, that is so not anything. That's what the, what I'm saying and the truth and what I'm communicating. It looks to us like he's trying to start some shit, right? What do you, what do you listen to what I'm saying? I'm not mad at you, right?

00:30:34
But now I have an attitude a little bit because, like, you started some shit. I'm trying to tell you something and now you're trying to turn into something else. Right? This is how we get pissed because it happens all the time. Because you don't listen to what we're saying.

00:30:46
Because, again, you're not wired to listen to weight. And we create drama where there is none. I'm just saying we all do it. It's also. It's part of, like, that self doubt that you think that, you know, there's always something else going on because.

00:31:00
Blah, blah, blah, blah. Right? Again, history trauma. You know, being lied to, cheated on, all that stuff. Then all your girlfriend stories about how men are anyway.

00:31:09
So, like. So he gets to tell the same thing. I'm not mad at you. I'm just telling, right? He tells it again and all the face is still, like, sunk.

00:31:17
And she's like. She's like, is that because I was mean on Thursday? And he's like, oh, my God. Like, they call, like, now he's like, the fuck, right? Excuse my French.

00:31:29
But, like, he's like, are you. What is, like. He wants to say, what is wrong with you? Like, I just said it three times. Now he's got attitude.

00:31:36
He goes, you know what? I. Whatever. I'll see later. Gets out, right?

00:31:42
I saw her, like. And she literally collapsed to the floor crying. And she's convinced he's having an affair, that he's breaking up with her. He doesn't like her anymore. There's some other chick coming over Friday night.

00:31:53
All that stuff. Like, what are you talking about? Well, you see how he's mad at me? I know there's something going on. I mean, no, he's mad at you because you look like he's trying to some.

00:32:02
You're not listening to him. Anyway, so we do this all the time. All the time. All the time. All the time.

00:32:06
But the ladies tend to. And I teach men this when I teach men the language for women, right? You have to fill in the blanks for her because if you don't, she will. And it's always gonna be terrible. It's always gonna be the worst.

00:32:20
You always gotta be the cheater. You always got some game going on. There's something behind it, you know, suspicious and, you know. And which state everything lovely as a woman out of you. When you're worried, you're anxious, you know, you're frustrated, you're confused.

00:32:35
Like, everything lovely about you disappears. And we're like, okay, what happened to my girl? Like, what's going on? Nothing. Here we go again.

00:32:44
You okay? I'm fine. But again, because your brain will. Before I got married, I had a girlfriend. I was dancing at the time, and I was dancing in Los Angeles.

00:32:55
I was teaching at my own classes, plus performing. So I'm surrounded by 45 beautiful young girls all day long. All day long, right. That was my life. She's an executive for you.

00:33:07
That was terrible. But she's a woman who works a regular job, and so. And she had been cheated on by her ex husband. So the things that went on in her head during the day, throughout the day, you know, knowing that I'm out there with bunch of girls, and I worked, like, 2 hours, you know, twice today. So I have all this time in between.

00:33:31
I mean, how many times it happened. I leave. I leave the house in the morning. You have a good day. I see you later, you know, call me later.

00:33:40
And I get home at the end of the day, and she's not talking to me. This happened, like, almost every day. And this is why we didn't make it. Because her head and her paranoia and her trauma would create all kinds of stories of when she could get ahold of me. These girls.

00:33:56
These girls, these girls all around me. Her ex who said, you're crazy. I'm not cheating. And he was cheating the whole time. Right.

00:34:03
Uh, so she never actually met me. She was completely in reaction of, you know, her stories, and she couldn't get out of her stories. And that was not that guy in, in any way. But I, again, there's a feminine paradigm of filling in the blanks. I teach men, give her all the details so she understands a, B, C, D, E.

00:34:26
But we don't necessarily, as men, we don't speak that way. So there's another mechanism that's kind of in place that is dooming a lot of dynamics because, like, men don't explain themselves. That's not what I'm doing. That's not what I said. That's not what I meant.

00:34:44
I don't know what you're talking about. Okay, so, you know, you're crazy. Again, I'm just gonna go, ouch. Yeah. Right.

00:34:52
So I teach men how to not do that, right? But then also teach women. And now to not trigger the disrespect that creates that. So this both. And what's interesting, the biggest, the best part about this, this is really fun, is that if I teach men how to.

00:35:11
How to communicate, how to make a woman feel connected, right? Because you need to be connected to feel safe and feel that he's got you and all the goodies that comes with that, when he understands how to do. You're using your instinct for this to happen, right? So a woman needs to feel connected. Men don't know this.

00:35:38
Women need to talk because that's how you connect. We don't do that. So we give you one with answers. So you take. Right.

00:35:44
Women will take care of all the small details that we assume you should take care of. Details. I'm out there twelve hour days killing myself. So, yeah, of course you take care of the small stuff in the house, right? But then you take, if you feel taken for granted because he's not even thanking you for it.

00:35:57
And that man's sort of like ability to see details or even say something to say is appreciated, right? This is action, typically that he's attached to, but his words anyway. So women, so a woman needs the affirmation. A woman needs the appreciation. A woman needs to be communicated to.

00:36:16
A woman needs to know what's happening throughout your day, even though you don't talk about it because you won't leave it behind. You have to do some of that in order for her to feel that you actually like her, want to share your life with her, and your conversation makes her feel connected, blah, blah, blah. Right? And then really just put the effort in making her feel safe. And men don't understand that because when men say, this is my wife, this is my girlfriend, we tend to put our hats like, well, I married her, what else do you want?

00:36:46
But women in daily affirmation, right? It feels safe to stay safe. We don't understand that. We're like, I married her. I come home every night, what's the problem?

00:36:55
Oh, my God. Right? So again, it's not. No. So when I teach men, when a woman needs to feel safe, connected and stays happy, you know, and there's like, stays in her loving energy because she gets everything she wants, like, she instantly will respect him.

00:37:08
So by knowing how to do this, he gets everything back at him. And same with ladies, if you understand the man's instinct and the hero in us and respect paradigm that you don't comprehend because the stuff that disrespects us does not disrespect you. The same way there's the stuff that hurt your feelings does not hurt our feelings. We don't understand why you get your feelings hurt. You don't understand that you're disrespecting us all the time.

00:37:36
All the time. So we understand that paradigm and how to communicate, how to pull him in, not to mother him, how to pull the hero out of him instinctively, because we're all heroes of hearts. We're born with that. Right. You get everything you want.

00:37:49
The connections, the attention, the dating. Right. So you don't both have to understand. This is what I'm saying. As long as one gets the gig and understands.

00:37:58
I call it the owner's manual. I have the owner's manual for both sides. Come and get the manual. It'll change your life. Because it's what you don't know that's killing you.

00:38:08
And all the miss, like I said, the miscommunication, the assumption, the pancake stacking, right. The feeling disconnected. I could do this all day long. I love it. I love it.

00:38:20
I mean, and I think that, and maybe I'm making an assumption here, but I kind of feel like women, because we're so sensitive and we create so much drama. Like, women need that growth mindset and to be really focusing on trusting and. Right. And really focusing on our mindset. Right.

00:38:50
So let's, let's talk just briefly about NLP. Because I love NLP. I've not taken a full course. It's actually on my list. I want to dive more into it because I just want to understand it much greater.

00:39:05
How does NLP really help release some of that trauma? Well, in a nutshell, it's so beautifully simple, really. You know, is that people, you know, you've heard people say we use, we only use 10% of our brainstor, right? This is scientifical fact. It's actually 5%.

00:39:24
And the reality is, if you use 5% of your brain, which means there's only 5% of us that's actually conscious and making choices. The rest of us, 95% of our lives, are driven by our subconscious. So back to the story I said in the beginning as five years old. If you convinced, because you have no daddy or a bad daddy, that men are dangerous and you don't feel safe in the world, right, and then makes you feel unlovable and unworthy, here goes the rest of your life. So NLP removes the false belief.

00:39:56
NLp goes and readjusts and releases the trauma from the subconscious that drives everything because it's not conscious. We, we think, we make choices, but we keep repeating the story that we got attached to the first imprint on the nervous system, which is, you know, men aren't safe. I'm not lovable. I have to protect myself. And these are decisions we make at five years old that we don't necessarily even remember.

00:40:20
But it's important. That's the driver. So we have to remove those false beliefs, those drivers, that will keep you going for the trauma. Like I said, if your daddy never was a source of safety as a woman, or if your mother was disrespectful as a man, you're going to find a person just like that, just like your daddy or like your mom, and then you're gonna try to fix them. That's what we do.

00:40:44
You cannot find the healthy minded person when you are carrying this baggage. Your radar subconscious will not let you. You will not recognize a healthy person. You will recognize what you know. So get this.

00:40:57
Like, like some of my clients that say a lady. And this, again, it could be the same for the man because we're all the same, you know, if you think that men are jerks and they're all, you know, they're all douchebags, manipulators, cheaters, right? You know the type, the player type, right? They're out there. They're out there.

00:41:16
If you believe that's man, because your life experience with your father, whatever, right? And again, it's not even something that you're conscious of. It's just a driver. So I could have a party in my house and invite 99 guys, or great guys, masculine driven, right? Want to take care of women, respectful, they good guys across the board, by all my friends of that, right?

00:41:41
So I put this woman, a woman who thinks men are players and jerks, and you can't trust them, right? With 99 good guys and one player. This is crazy. This is amazing. Like, this is how we do it.

00:41:54
I put you in a room with this group, and within an hour, I will find that woman talking to the jerk, to the player. She will avoid everybody else. This is how powerful our radar is. Like a belief system will seek out what we know. The same way that if you buy a white Tesla, right, you all of a sudden see all the white teslas in the road, you go, oh, my God, everybody's got a white Tesla, right?

00:42:20
That was not on your conscious before until it was imprinted and it's now part of your reality. This is the same story. If you have a belief system, we all do, right? You are not driving your life. It is driving you until NLP cleans it up.

00:42:37
And then you could be completely a choice as opposed to that story, right? Repeating, trying to find a guy like your dad, that you can make him right. You can make him make him right. You can make him treat like a lady, you make him be protective of protecting. That's not it.

00:42:51
Because you go after the wrong guy. You can't change anybody, right? So men do the same thing with women. If mother was disrespectful and, you know, castrated you as. As a kid, you're gonna find one of the boss babe mothering disrespectful, and you're gonna try to change her.

00:43:07
And this, again, is a shit show. And we all, without that cleaning up the baggage, you're gonna just get super stuck in the loop. Right? Always the same story, always the same kind of girls. All say the same ending, always the same dude, always the same boy.

00:43:22
Always taking advantage of me out there. Yep. It's your story. So it's not them, it's you. So that needs to be.

00:43:29
That's NLP. It's fantastically quick, by the way. You consider in a 30 minutes, you know, um, session, you can remove trauma from your past. I mean, I think it's so efficient, right? Like, they're unlike therapy, where you could spend three years on the couch, and at the end, like, I guess I'm a good person.

00:43:50
20 minutes. 30 minutes. Done. So I.

00:43:56
I've done so much trauma work in the last nine months with a new coach that I'm working with, and. And it's been all NLP life. Unbelievable. It's life. It has been life changing for me.

00:44:09
For me personally. For those that don't know what NLP, it's neuro linguistic programming. Yeah. And I think it should be called neuro linguistic reprogramming is really what we do. Right?

00:44:21
So, like, it sounds weird, like, no negative person. So you're gonna play with my mind? Well, now I'm gonna clean up your mind, your nervous system of your trauma, clean up your subconscious, of the belief that don't serve you. It's all it is. Yeah.

00:44:36
So we emphasize the beliefs that work. Clean up the ones that are keeping us from the life that we want. It's. It's incredibly powerful and so simple. I know.

00:44:46
I did one yesterday. I have a 15 year old kid that is a client boy. And we did an LP yesterday about his. His family of origin and the layers of it. And he cried and he cried and he cried and cried.

00:45:00
It was so beautiful, because it. I saw him change in front of me, like, everything that he never could let come to the surface, and his pain and his trauma and his broken heart from his father, they lost. And it just. And that release, you know what I mean? He was beautiful.

00:45:23
And like I said, I'm going to hear from today, and he's already different. He was different on the other side of it, it was just magical. And I go, oh, that's incredible. 30 minutes, you know, it's incredible. It's incredible.

00:45:36
It's absolutely incredible. His life is gonna be a different trajectory. Releasing. Having released that and the feeling that he's not good enough, that he's not worthy just because dad died and left him behind. Yeah.

00:45:50
Right. The conclusions that we make about the circumstances is a problem. Of course not the circumstances, not the thing. Right. You neglect it.

00:45:58
You think there's something wrong with you. You're not good enough, and you'll never be good enough like that. That's the thing that has to go. Right. It drives us.

00:46:06
Anyway, I could. Oh, you get it. I love it. Andre, is there anything else you'd like to share with the audience before we finish up this amazing conversation? And also let people know how they can get ahold of you.

00:46:21
And, of course, it will all be in the show notes, as well. Yeah, yeah. Also, and I have two guests for your listeners as well. Oh, nice. So the one thing I want to say, and we haven't touched on this really a lot.

00:46:33
We didn't really touch on this. The. Where the culture is, is, I call it a tidal wave in the culture, the belief system that, you know, women. Women want to be strong, independent, and powerful, beautiful, fantastic, great, you know, their own business and all the stuff. And we raise you that way nowadays.

00:46:54
We used to raise boys that way. Where do you want to be when you want to be when you grow up? With some question we ask little boys, little girls want to get married, have kids, right? Like back in the days. Right?

00:47:04
So now raise women strong and men powerful. We got to be grew up. And then we raised men to be sweet, sensitive, talkative, feminine, vulnerable. Right? So it's.

00:47:13
We kind of flip the script again. Everything I teach is nature's nature combined with science and psychology of men and women, you know, and what works in the realm of relationship. It's not my opinion. It's all the work. I work with five masters.

00:47:30
I study with five masters, along with my own research, so I could back all of this up. What I'm seeing in a culture, women come at me with, I'm strong, independent, powerful. I'm still young. I have money, I have my car.

00:47:46
How come nobody wants to date me? I'm no trouble, you know, I'm zero troubled. I have everything provided for myself. Not understanding men and what men are attached to. So what I'm saying is my assistant, by one of my assistant, but my closest personal assistant, is 26 years old, 27 years old now.

00:48:06
And she wants traditional life. She wants three kids in a traditional life. Right. She can't say it out loud. She can't say that out loud.

00:48:14
The women attack her. Honey, we need to talk. You better than some guy's slave and children ruin your life. I'm like, like, she can't say it out loud. So she's very feminine, she's very sensitive, and she feels attacked.

00:48:25
And also, she can't even be herself in the world because the culture says, girl, right? Right now you're a traitor to the sisterhood if you step into traditional life. And that's what I want to say. Like, ladies, gentlemen, like, think for yourself. What is it that you want?

00:48:43
You want to be a boss, beautiful. But if you don't, you have to find. Find a niche. Find somebody to support that. Find a community, right?

00:48:53
Like, find a. Do not let the tidal wave take you over. Because in the end, you become one of my clients and there's no need for that, right. If you don't know how this works and you fall into being a boss, babe, when you really want to be a wife and a mother and you say, well, I'll do it eventually. The problem is eventually it doesn't work.

00:49:11
Yeah, I'm just saying, right? So there's a way to do this if you want that anyway, so think for yourselves. Forget your school, forget your mother who made bad choices, that men are terrible. They're nothing. Right.

00:49:23
Her bad choices doesn't mean to pollute your world forever. Forget your friends, forget the culture. Forget all of that. Like, what do you want, you know, for. Same with men.

00:49:33
If you want a traditional woman, go find traditional. They're out there. Yeah. They become less. They're becoming less and less available.

00:49:40
But, you know, they're not all crazy. They're not all in a disrespectful. They're not all. Not white material, right? But.

00:49:48
So again, and that's one. So that's what I want to say. Think for yourselves first. Forget. And it's hard to do because the cultural tidal wave is everywhere, right?

00:50:00
Everywhere. Yeah. So I just want to say, for the ladies out there, you can have both. I had. I've had so many different careers.

00:50:09
I ended up staying home for ten years because it just made sense for us and, well, yeah, it's. It put my career on the side. I wouldn't take it back for them, for anything. To have ten years with my son. And I started.

00:50:24
That's when I started coaching. I got certified to be a life coach. While he was in preschool and in school, I did my own little thing at home, and I had a little business going. And then I was there to pick him up from the bus stop and take him to his sports. And when he was a little bit older, I went back to work.

00:50:41
And you can do it both. You can do it both in a. There's a one. There's a way to do it both. And the way.

00:50:48
The way it's taught out there, it's not right. It's not. It's like, by the time the way it's taught out there, you can't get both. I'm just saying. I see it every day anyway, so get it interesting that you say that, because my first gift for you listeners.

00:51:02
Okay. So I do a lot of podcasting because my. I'm busy. I have a business doing all this all the time. I'm in Los Angeles.

00:51:10
Like, it's. It's right. However, the big mission is to really put. To teach this to the masses and to actually bring hope and shift that cultural tidal wave of what's not working, because what we're doing is unnatural, and nature eventually will come and bite you in the butt again. You don't want to be one of my clients necessarily because you didn't pay attention or you bought too much into what's not natural.

00:51:37
I'm just gonna say. Anyway, so I do a lot of podcasting because my job is to teach this to the masses. Like, it's like, kind of. I call it Oprah big even, right? Like this.

00:51:49
This thing, my God calling says you need to help change the culture, get back to family, to raise healthy children who could have healthy relationship and raise their own healthy children. Because when the family system falls apart, culture falls apart. So that's the God calling. So, thank you for helping me spread the word, because that's why I do podcasting. But I'm like, I wanted.

00:52:11
I want ladies to understand and, man, that there is hope. It is doable, even in this modern ways. We have to watch what you buy into. All right, so that's why I do podcasting. The big mission.

00:52:23
So I noticed that doing podcasts, there seems to be two different types of listeners. Interesting. And these are two different gifts for the two different stuff. The people who show up because they're curious, they're poking around like they don't understand stuff. They want information.

00:52:39
They're just into information gathering mode. Beautiful. So if you're in an information gathering mode, this is for the ladies. I want to send you directly to my email. If you go to Andre coaching, the number one at Gmail, my name Andy R E.

00:52:54
Coaching. Coaching, the number one at Gmail, that's directly my email box. And in a subject matter you write in workshop. So you have to do. I'm going to send you.

00:53:08
Guess what we just talked about. It's a 25 minutes workshop that I. That I. That I recorded about exactly the challenge of ladies in our culture, there's a love Sandee, and it's the money Sandee. And if you do the love Sandee, the money Sandee suffers.

00:53:25
If you do money Sandee, the love Sandee suffers. We can't do both. Like culture says we should be as women, you should be able to do it all. No, it doesn't work that way. So this actually 25 minutes workshop will actually talk about how do you get to have it all?

00:53:40
Like you just talked about, there's a way to do it, but it's not what's out there. What's out there will have you sooner or later, you know, in a. In a pickle, because you will see coming. Anyways, the second gift is for people. Some people resonate what I said when you go, oh, my God.

00:53:59
Okay, so he gets it. He gets it. Like, I'm stuck in the loop. I'm stuck in the loo. Second gift is Oniko Ching.

00:54:05
One at Gmail. And go in the subject box. Just write talk now. And for these people that are more brave or action driven, who want to step in, I'll send you my calendar link. You find an hour, 15 minutes that works for you.

00:54:20
We're going to have a one on one like you and I are having right now. We'll talk about what's not working. Where's the loop? In 15 minutes, we'll get right to childhood when the wheels came off. Right?

00:54:30
And then you'll know, like, my favorite thing to do is women especially come at me with, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? I can't get a date. I get ghosted. What's wrong with.

00:54:39
I'm young. There's nothing wrong with. Your energy is too masculine for masculine men to step in. You're forgetting the polarity of nature and everything. Yin Yang.

00:54:50
That's how it works. So masculine women don't attract masculine men. Interesting, right? So. But typically, it comes from trauma in childhood.

00:54:58
So in 15 minutes, we figure out it's not you. There's nothing wrong with you. It's the circumstances of your childhood. So there's nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with you.

00:55:07
Right? Exactly. Now that we know what happened, we could fix it. NLP, right? And then we look into the future.

00:55:12
What's the future we want to build? Because they're kind of desperate in that space, right? They're stuck. They're freaked out. There.

00:55:19
What's the dream? Kids? Family, relationship? Marriage? Or just long term companionship, right?

00:55:24
What is it? And then we'll talk about different ways you could work with me if you want to work with me. But that call alone, for some people, change their lives understanding what happened. There's nothing wrong with them. I love it.

00:55:36
Gift number two. Andre, thank you so much for joining me today. This has been amazing. I've been talking to so many amazing people, and I've been saying this more lately than I normally do, but I'd love to have you back on to continue this conversation. Do a part two, and thank you, everybody, for listening today.

00:55:54
And you're amazing, Andre. And thank you for sweet, thank you for helping me spread hope. That's absolutely. Thank you. Thank you.

00:56:15
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00:56:42
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00:57:11
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00:57:32
Don't miss out on this opportunity to deepen your journey with us. Again, that's happinesssolved dot supercast.com and it will also be in the show notes. I am so grateful you're a part of our happiness solved family, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support again. I am so grateful for you. And I hope that you and I, your family, are healthy and safe and that your lives are filled with peace, joy and happiness.

00:58:01
Take care, everyone.