323. Give Yourself Permission: A New Approach to Confidence with Cortney McDermott

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This is happiness solved with America's happiness coach, Sandee Sgarlata.

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Hello, and thank you for joining us today. I'm so happy you're here. Happiness solved is the place where we explore everything you need to become the best possible version of you. This is Sandee Sgarlata, and today I've got some exciting news for our dedicated listeners. We've just launched our exclusive members only portal.

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This is your ticket to a world of additional content designed to deepen your understanding and engagement with the happiness solved mission. To learn more about all of the exciting benefits, stay tuned until the end of the episode, where I will explain in greater detail. For those interested now, head over to Happinesssolved dot supercast.com. today is another amazing conversation, so let's get started.

00:01:10
Cortney McDermott, so great to have you here. And for the listeners, she is an American that lives in Italy, and I just find that so fascinating. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much for joining me.

00:01:23
Yeah, yeah. And I love that you go by court. I don't think I've ever heard that before with somebody shortening Cortney. I mean, I'm sure they do, but I just haven't. But I love that you go by court.

00:01:34
I think that's pretty cool. Thanks. I actually shortened it because a lot of people put the U in there, and my name is without a U, so if people write Cortney with the U, they find someone else. So it's pretty intentional. Yeah.

00:01:47
I love it. So, we were just talking. I know you left the states after your graduate studies, and that's just not something people do, unless usually it's military. Right. Like, they're the people that usually leave.

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What was it that you were like, I'm getting out of here. Because so many people, you kind of say, oh, you don't like it here, then leave. But they don't. Right. They just sit and complain about.

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Right. Their environment. But you actually took. Yeah. You're like, no, I'm going to see the world.

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What was that that made you want to want to just explore like that? I love it. Well, you know, now looking back, I would say that I definitely needed to get out for my own healing and my own personal journey. But at the time, I was really kind of just on this fast track of academia, and I thought, well, next step was going straight into law school. I was like, wait a second.

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I want to do something different. So I hopped over to London and did. And did my master's work there. And then I was just like, I'm staying. And I went to France.

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I lived in France for a period, and then I moved to Italy, and, yeah, I've been here ever since. I love it. I love it. And you're moving back to the States. So.

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Is that good? Is that, like, what is your temperature gauge on that? On that move back? I mean, it must be kind of probably no different than actually moving to Europe, but being gone for 20 years and now coming back is, you know, anxiety, anticipation. Yeah.

00:03:24
I never thought I would move back, honestly. I thought I would move to an island somewhere when my daughter was old enough for me to do that, and I still will, but likely. But my daughter, over the last couple of years, had really been sort of pressuring me to move there. And. Yeah, and my.

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I mean, most of my clients are based there anyway, so it was kind of like, business wise, it made sense, but otherwise, you know, I live in Italy, the dolce vita. So there's so many pros to being over here. And I, like I said, didn't think I would. But now, it's funny. When I got off the plane, I just came back from California four or five days ago.

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In fact, I'm still kind of in the throes of some jet lag. My body's still there, but. But when I got off the plane, I thought, oh, I finally feel like I can live here again in the States. So it's. It was great.

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I felt really happy to be there and excited for our move. Yeah, great. Great. Well, congratulations on that. Moving is always exciting.

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Yeah. You know, especially new town, new environment, things like that. All right, so your recent book, right, that just came out, it looks like last year. I love the title of this. Give yourself permission, be confident, be free, be you.

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Wow. What is the backstory there? What was it that. Cause your first book was about confidence as well. Change starts within you.

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Unlock the confidence to lead with intuition. I mean, we could talk for hours and hours and hours about both of these. What was the confidence thing? Did you have your own journey of trying to find that confidence? Because it's just something.

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My work as a peak performance coach, that's the one thing that comes up with every single person, whether they're an athlete, entrepreneur, it doesn't matter. Always comes down to confidence. Yeah. I love that you're singling this out, actually, because confidence was a kind of a main word in both of those titles or subtitles, because we often misunderstand the word itself and what it means to be confident. So most of the time, we think confidence is I can speak up and I can get my point across or I'm, you know, whatever I, whatever that looks like in terms of almost like a performance in real confidence, the word comes from confidere with trust or with reliance.

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So really what it is when you're really, truly confident is that you're trusting. You're trusting in yourself, you're trusting in life, you're trusting in the way things are going, even if they seem to be a little sideways. You're trusting. And it's quite humorous, actually, that we don't trust fully because we almost do, even if we don't know that. So most people are like, well, I can't trust.

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I can't trust, but 99.99,999, some odd percent of what is going on both within you and outside of you, you have relinquished full trust, too. So we're not walking around wondering if the trillions of biochemical reactions that are occurring in our body every second are going to keep doing what they need to do for us to keep functioning the way that we do. Or, you know, in the same way, we're not going to bed at night and thinking, is the sun going to come up in the morning? Is it not going to come up? Is it going to come up?

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Or the rotation of the planets, are they going to keep doing their thing? Or the millions of galaxies, right? Is that, like, we don't. We just trust that all of that's going to keep happening. We trust that the gravitational forces are going to keep us in place.

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Like, we trust all this stuff, right? And then there's this infinitesimal part that's left over, like 0.001%, right. They were like, oh, no, I can't trust that. You know, I've got to make a five year plan. I have to, I have to force, I have to try to control, I have to manipulate, I have to do whatever I can do so that this thing goes the way I think it needs to go.

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And it's absolutely absurd, not to mention incredibly exhausting. So a lot of, so a lot of, like, the work is around learning how to reclaim that trust which we're born with, which we have innately, which we know intuitively, but we have lost contact with. Yeah, so much. So when you were explaining that, I love that you, you broke it down into, you know, like, we just trust that our heart's going to be things like that. Another example you hear all the time is you put in a dress, in your gps, in your car or your phone, and you just follow it.

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You trust it. Yeah, I love that. And we're behind a car. I have no idea where I'm going. You drive to.

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We just recently drove to Louisville, Kentucky, from Virginia, and it's a few hundred miles and just put in. You have no idea. And you just follow along and you're just trusting the whole way. And yet it's so hard for such little things, right? We just get in our own way so often.

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Yeah. The GPS is such a great one because it's like, if you could actually just do that, just relax. Just relax and know that you're headed in the right direction because you set a direction for yourself. And even though you might be in the middle of, you know, the wood somewhere, you're gonna come out and you're gonna see the blue skies again and you're gonna be back on your path. And I just.

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I love that one so much because I think lots of times what people do is they set something in the gps and then they kind of get halfway there and like, oh, my God, this isn't it. I better turn back around. And they turn back around and it's just, again, that whole just, like, really exhausting adventure. Instead of just being like, hey, I'm on an adventure. Like, this is so cool.

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Now I'm in this place. Who would have thunk, right? It's so cool. I just. Yeah, I love that example.

00:09:20
Yeah, well, it happens so often. And you just made me think of a time when we were driving from New Jersey to DC. It's a straight shot. You take 95 south, and you go. You just drive down.

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Well, it kept taking us off the road, and we're like, nope. And I'd get back to 95, and this happened, like, four times. And I finally looked at my ex. My ex husband. We were married at the time.

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I'm like, let's just go with it because for some reason, we're not meant to be on 95. And I never figured out why we weren't meant to be on that road. Like, maybe, you know, who knows, right? And I finally just threw my hands up and I was like, let's just go with it because this obviously knows something that we don't know. But yet, in our own lives, right?

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We just. It's just crazy how we have you. Do you have any insight that in your worldly travels, let's say, of how. Why that is? Like, why do we do that?

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Why do we just not trust so many silly little things and just make our lives so much more complicated? Exactly. I think it's. I mean, it's a bit. It's definitely conditioning.

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But I also think it's having some semblance of control in a world that we have absolutely no control. So it's the illusion of control. It's the illusion of I can create this little silo of safety, but it is very much an illusion because you're not safe and you're just becoming also very tense and stressed out. Right. So it's funny, the minute you start to let go is actually the minute you get it, you get this sense of safety because you have really let go and you're trusting.

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And so I think wherever it derives from, the important thing is to start to learn to relax around it, which is just such a high technique, if you will, but just relax around it so that you can start to invite in all of these experiences and they all become exciting. Like when you were on that route down 95, right? It's so funny because we can take those sometimes and we can go where we want to go, but there's not as much excitement, right? When you're on interstate, it's just not all that exciting. But you get all.

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And all of a sudden there's this crazy cool stuff happening, right? Like, there's a cool cafe that you pass by or some wicked shop that you want to stop in or whatever it is, and it's like, let life take you. I mean, all of our greatest mystic or spiritual teachers have shown us the same thing or illustrated the same thing in the way that they live, and I think. So there's. There's definitely a lot of gold there, so just, you know, just learning to do that, but, yeah.

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Love it. Love it. So, what made you want to write books about this topic? Did you have your own journey, your own personal transformation that made you think this is? Because it is such an important topic that so many people really, and there's not a lot of really good ones out there.

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What was it that made you want to talk about this and educate people? Yeah. I had so many personal transformations and wake up calls and cold shower moments and all the things. The first book actually stemmed from me being in the place. And I know you know this very well from your background in this place where everyone thinks that's where I want to be.

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That's where. That's where I want to get to. I've got all the gold stars. I have all the accolades and the titles and the. I'm married, you know, whatever it was.

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And I've got a. I'm a mother and I've got the Jimmy choos and I'm a marathon, like, all the things. And I thought, okay, everyone, right? Because we're fed this, I'll just say lie. That success is just around the corner, and that corner is perennially changing, right?

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So it's like, as soon as you do this thing, as soon as I have that or this or the other, then I'll be happy. Then I'll feel worthy. Then I'll feel okay. And after a while of doing that, there has to come a point where we stop and say, oh, crap, this isn't working. Like, it's just not working.

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And so I had, like I said, so many cold shower moments where I was like, damn, this isn't it. So my first book was, like, coming off of that, being an executive of Vanity Fair corporation, you know, all jet setting all around all the things, and being like this, who wrote this script? Like, it's not my script. And how do I. Or at least I didn't write it, and how do I start writing my own?

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And so that was very much that first sort of glimpse into what I started, started to do in order to reinvent and step into new potentials. And then the second book, give yourself permission, kind of came as a. As a download. It was like, that was the title. And then each chapter was just give yourself permission to, you know, so give yourself permission, for example, to do what you love.

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Give yourself permission to make a lot of money doing what you love. You know, you see a lot of entrepreneurs out there really struggling. It's like, it doesn't have to be that way. So I wanted to introduce a book that brought both the science and kind of screw all that so that people could see, like, there is a middle way. You know, there is a way for you to kind of enjoy all the seasons.

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And, you know, when I talk about a lot of the things in there, they are delivered in a way that's very different from what we're used to hearing. You know, happiness. Happiness doesn't mean, like, I'm going all around and, you know, thinking positively, quote unquote. Like, a lot of. There's a lot of talk about toxic positivity now and all that kind of stuff.

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It's not about that. It's about, can I really, truly embrace the joy of just being here right now, right this second, and just being able to make a cup of coffee or phone a friend or look outside at a rainbow or whatever it is? And it could be. I mean, sometimes I get so excited about the most mundane things, but I get so excited, it's hilarious. I'm like, I will get excited about getting up in the morning and making my mocha.

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Sometimes I can't even get to sleep because I'm so excited about these things. And that, I think, is actually how we are designed. And it doesn't mean that the things that make us feel uncomfortable don't happen. They do, and they are catalysts for growth, and we can be excited in that beautiful, sort of transformative process that's all around us all the time. So, yeah, that's where the books come from.

00:15:57
I love it. Well, you know, the thing is, it's all in your perspective, right? And when you were talking, it reminded me of about a month or so ago, actually, in the afternoon. It was like a 03:00 in the afternoon. I met one of my girlfriends for coffee.

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I can't tell you how long it had been since I actually did that during the day because I'm such a high performer and working from home, it was a challenge for me to go from working in an office to then working at home, which all started during COVID And I don't allow myself to go to lunch. I don't leave. I don't leave my house during the day. I don't do it. And I was like, this is so great, but I'll meet you for happy hour.

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We'll go to dinner, but I don't schedule those things. And it was such a treat. And while we were talking, this is one of my dear friends who's now, like, a 500. She's like me. Like, I won't learn how to teach yoga because I will be.

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I will be like her. I'll be, you know, the 500 hours, you know, like, just like, you know. And I'm like, okay, no, that's. That's another lifetime for me. But.

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But she's this huge yogi now, and. And we've been best friends for a long time. And I was like, I guess in my conversation, I didn't even realize that I was saying this, but I was like, oh, I have to do this, and I have to do this, and I have to do this, and da da da da. And she looks at me and she goes, no, sandy, you get to do that. Yeah.

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And right before, when I waited for you to log on, and I was like, I'll be right back because I didn't want to delay you. And I ran into the restroom, and I was like, I get to do this. This is my second podcast interview today. I get to do this. And I was just feeling this overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude and being like, this is so awesome.

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And just that one thing, because I catch myself all the time, oh, I have to do this. I have to. No, I get to do this. It is a privilege. And that little shift of that one word can make all the difference in the world.

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Yeah. Yeah. There's an enormous difference between I've got to do this and I get to do this enormous. And. And unfortunately, we're in a time where busy is really glorified, and it actually doesn't make us high performers.

00:18:28
No. I mean, I actually eliminated that word from my lexicon I don't know how many years ago. And lots of times, people say, well, you must be so busy. You know, you're doing this and that and the other. And I said, no, I'm never busy.

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I am never busy. And I always tell people, because I will not reinforce that cycle. And I always tell people, I get to do what I want, where I want, with who I want, how I want. Like, that's not busy. I'm just as joy.

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So. And I think it's so important that we start to dismantle this, because we have so much kind of almost mindless or directionless doing. Lots of times as a way of, I think, as well, tapping into that sense of control or safety or even worthiness. And the minute we start to kind of just really let that go and focus, I have a whole kind of time model that I sometimes teach so people can understand that the minute you start flipping that on its head and you really just focus on those really important things that are yours, how it's a little bit like what Archimedes was talking about with the lever. You know, give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to put it, and I will move the world.

00:19:39
Yeah. It's not this frenetic, anxious, like, I've got to do all these things. It's like, slow down. And actually, where is that 5%, 10%? If you want parritos principle, the 20%, fine.

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But it's actually much less than that that will actually move the world. And, yeah, the more we sort of start tapping into that, I mean, there's a whole conversation around brainwave frequencies around that, all sorts of things, but it's. It's really just so important for us to. To start to get in groove with it. Yeah.

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I just noticed also with my business, when I just threw my hands up and I surrender, things just start to flow, and opportunities just present themselves where I'm like, you know, even this morning, like, woke up, I'm like, oh, someone wants to pay me five k to speak. I'm like, awesome, right? I think it's just because you just. Allow and you allow and you let. Things flow and you're like, wow, I feel like things have shifted so much by not being busy, by just allowing things.

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And it's that whole, you know, and I've been talking about this stuff for over 35 years. Sometimes you just, it, you know, if it took me 35 years to get here, then that's okay, right?

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You get it when you get it. Yeah, yeah. And I think, I think people can get so disheartened when they hear, you know, some of these ideas because they cause, because we do live in such a fast paced world where we're told the exact opposite. Like we're told, you got to make it happen and go out and do all the things and all of that. And I think for anyone listening, like, it's really simple to start to just understand this isn't, this isn't woo woo.

00:21:32
This isn't anything like that. It's literally something as simple as, just as I was saying a moment ago, even just changing your brainwave frequencies, right? Most people are in beta. Most people are in high beta all day long. And the best way I ever heard that described was like having a four gear race car that you're driving around in first gear, right?

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So just pedal the metal all day long. And of course people are going to feel really worn out, really stress, their nervous system is going to be in havoc. And so it's like, okay, even just something as simple as saying, I'm going to lay down, right? I'm just going to get horizontal for a few minutes. And just that alone will move you out of beta and into alpha in just a matter of minutes.

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And you're going to be far more creative and far happier and able to do much less to actually, to accomplish much more. So it's just, I think it's so important that we start to just reverse the trends on this. So I'm glad you're talking about it in your work. You're the only other person that I've heard use that expression, but I say it all the time. So my husband, you know, like, what are you doing?

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I'm like, I need to be horizontal. I just need to be horizontal. Yeah. And I do it probably at least once a day. I just go and I just lay up flat on my back and I close my eyes.

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That's when I meditate. Sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I don't. But, yeah, that. It's like a reset. It's a recharge.

00:22:53
A reset. Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, every time you do that, right, you're. You're. You know, this.

00:23:00
I just even heard this on one of your recent podcasts, something around this, but just. You're sending a message to your vagus nerve that you're. You're safe. Like, everything's okay. You can calm down.

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You're moving. I mean, we know that we're moving in and out of these four frequencies at least twice a day, right? So you could be already moving into theta. I mean, if you fall asleep even quickly, you could be moving into theta. Your body's releasing catecholamines, which are vital for learning and memory.

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You could even be moving into delta, which produces human growth hormone. Like, it's a youth elixir, and it literally only takes a few minutes. So, yeah, it's something that, again, culture reverse here. Call out on a culture reverse. I'm with you.

00:23:37
Yeah, love it. You obviously know a lot about the brainwaves because you've been just throwing stuff out that I wasn't even aware of. Have you done a lot of studying or, like, where. Where is that stemming from? Yeah, I started to have some really wild experiences.

00:23:58
I wrote about a couple of them in this second book of a few years back. I don't recall exactly how many years back, but I started having these experiences that I couldn't quite explain, and I did already at that point, I had been a student of a lot of science, neuroscience, epigenetics, quantum physics. But I really wanted to be able to say what is happening. You know, sometimes when I give presentations around the world, I try to. I mostly don't use slides, but recently, over the last couple of years, I've started using some slides because I wanted to show a picture of me from ten years ago.

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And well over half the audience doesn't recognize me at all. And the rest of the audience, when they start to realize it's me, they are astonished because I look so different. And most of the feedback that'll come back is, oh, my God, you look healthier, you look younger, you look happier, you just look better. Like, what is going on? And because I was having some of these spontaneous transformations, some of them are very spontaneous, and I was also having awakening of consciousness, I guess you could say, or experiences that I thought could only happen through something like plant medicine, which I hadn't been taking or anything like that.

00:25:07
So I really wanted to get a better grasp of the science. And so it's been a while that I've been a student and also in sharing my discoveries and also sharing the commonalities between these fields. So a lot of my recent presentations will kind of pull pieces from each field that are kind of saying the same thing about our ability to step into new potentials. And so, yeah, so that's where that comes from. And I really love it.

00:25:35
I'm super fascinated by human potential in general, but especially when science catches, I find, like, lots of times it's like western, the western world catching up to a lot of what the eastern traditions were already telling us. I remember studying a lot of that when I was little. I was fascinated by it. So. Yeah, well, and I think we're definitely.

00:25:52
Science is definitely catching up, and things that I've known about for 30 plus years are now being proven scientifically or, and they're being talked about on mainstream podcasts and media and, and things like that. So I think we're, you know, I had heard, I work with a coach now, and she does a lot of work in the quantum field and, which I'm still learning about, but that's just so massive of a topic, right, when you start getting into the quantum field. And she was explaining to me just in January of this year, we're now moving, we've moved into the age of Aquarius. And so we started talking about this in January, and now I'm so amazed at how many people I've talked to. And it's a completely different conversation than I was having with people a year ago.

00:26:51
And I feel like it's a good thing, number one, right. Because people are opening up and maybe there is more of an awakening happening, but I feel like it's happening at more of an accelerated rate than I've seen in the last 30 years, which is heartening. It is heartening. Right. Because for people like us who, you know, this is how you live and breathe, and it's nice to.

00:27:17
Maybe some of the work that we're doing is having some little effect. Right. That's all I can hope for anyway. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, really what we're seeing are just reflections of consciousness, right?

00:27:29
And there's, we do know that there's one intelligence. And quantum physics demonstrates that beautifully with quantum entanglement and the fact of, you know, we know that. The thing is, here's the thing. We don't actually even need to know so much about the science to actually just say, oh, I know, I know that phenomenon. Like, for example, you're just thinking of someone and they call you.

00:27:51
That is a great representation of quantum entanglement. You could talk about it as separating subatomic quanta and them actually having an inverse effect on one another. So it's really the same thing, but it seems separated, right? So we seem separated. So if we want to get really trippy, it's like this is self talking to self, trying to understand self.

00:28:11
But that's profound because it means consciousness has an evolutionary capacity, and we know this because we see it through the generation that we have this capacity. But to actually be experiencing, and I think in this way, that's less industrial, less consumer oriented, more heart like, let's feel it, because we do know it, and we do know that it doesn't feel so great to be on this endless, you know, whatever, guinea pig wheel thing. Right. We know that, but we. But it's just stop and get with it, you know?

00:28:44
I think it was. I'm not sure if it was Ts Eliot or who said that, but it was like, no, it wasn't. Anyway, that all of our problems, and I'm paraphrasing, but all of our problems stem from our inability to sit quietly in a room alone. It's like you don't actually need to go to any of the books or anything, just tune in, because you really do know. And, yeah, I think that that is kind of a very simple but very, very effective approach to waking up.

00:29:16
Yeah. And it's hard for people because we live in such a fast paced world, as you were saying earlier, and a world of instant gratification, and people want it now. They don't want to wait for it. I want my results. I want it now.

00:29:31
Yesterday I wanted you. When did you need it? I needed it yesterday. Okay. No, that doesn't work for me anymore.

00:29:39
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Court, this has been such an amazing conversation, and I do know that you have another appointment you need to get to in a few minutes, so I don't want to keep you any longer. What is one thing that you would like to share with the audience that they can apply in their life right now, today, to make some sort of change?

00:30:01
I. I believe that the hardest thing to do is to relax. When we're in this vortex of just distraction and delusion, and it's hard to hear, it's certainly hard to do. But if you could just start with a few minutes here and there and just take that space to just say, I'm going to lay down. Like, I'm not horizontal.

00:30:30
I'm not going to try to do any, exactly. I'm going to get horizontal. I'm not going to try to do any meditation. I'm not going to try to, you know, whatever it is, I'm just. I'm not going to do that.

00:30:38
I'm just going to lay down for a few minutes and maybe if, you know, you're afraid of falling asleep, set an alarm, it's okay. But just lay down and just start to introduce that, and you'll notice the changes in your nervous system after very short period of time. And then you can start looking at other things. How to change your relationship with time, how to create more time for the things that are really important to you. How to move those distractions out of those key windows, for example, of your day, when you wake up, when you fall asleep.

00:31:12
What we were talking about earlier, those are the times where we're most programmable. I mean, let's use them for what we want instead of what we don't. So really starting to understand how to manage those technologies differently, etcetera. And even just learning a lot more about your mind and your body and how to release things somatically and how to start to think when people say I think, and we have the famous Descartes je pain ches free, like I think, therefore I am. But really, a lot of us are not actively directing that process, so understanding more about it.

00:31:43
I share a lot about this in the second book because I think it's really time for us to take our power back. Yes. And on that note, all of court's information is going to be in the show notes. And check out her books. The most recent one is give yourself permission.

00:32:04
Be confident, be free, be you. And the other one is change starts within you. Unlock the confidence to lead with intuition. And both of those books can be found on Amazon, right? And yeah, all of her, all of court's social media handles are in there as well.

00:32:20
So please follow court, check out her books, and thank you, everyone, for listening today. And court, you're just amazing. Good luck with your move back to the states. I hope it's positive for you. Annie, you're phenomenal.

00:32:33
Thank you so much. And thank you to everyone who listened. Thank you.

00:32:47
I hope you enjoyed today's conversation. And as promised, I'd like to give you more details of what you can expect as a member of the happiness solved exclusive community. First, you'll have access to a treasure trove of extra podcast episodes. These episodes dive deeper into the topics we discuss, featuring additional expert interviews. Only found here.

00:33:07
But that's not all. As a member, you also get access to a series of mindset training sessions. These recordings are tailored to help you understand the how and why your mindset is the most important asset you have, empowering you to achieve your personal and professional goals. And for those of you looking to find a more of peace in your busy lives, we've got something special. Exclusive guided meditations.

00:33:33
These sessions are crafted to help you relax, refocus and recharge. Whether you're a meditation guru or just starting out, there's something here for everyone. Becoming a member is more than just accessing extra content. It's about joining a community of like minded individuals, all on a journey to live life to its fullest and become the best possible version of you. So how can you join?

00:33:58
It's simple. Go to happinesssolved dot supercast.com and sign up. Don't miss out on this opportunity to deepen your journey with us. Again, that's happinesssolved dot supercast.com and it will also be in the show notes. I am so grateful you're a part of our happiness solved family and I thank you you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support.

00:34:22
Again, I am so grateful for you and I hope that you and your family are healthy and safe and that your lives are filled with peace, joy and happiness. Take care, everyone.