316. Bellyflies Method: A Unique Approach to Understanding Kids' Emotions with Cathy Gagliardi

00:00:10
This is happiness solved with America's happiness coach, Sandee Sgarlata.

00:00:20
Hello and thank you for joining us today. I'm so happy you're here. Happiness solved is the place where we explore everything you need to become the best possible version of you. This is Sandee Sgarlata, and today I've got some exciting news for our dedicated listeners. We've just launched our exclusive members only portal.

00:00:40
This is your ticket to a world of additional content designed to deepen your understanding and engagement with the happiness solved mission. To learn more about all of the exciting benefits, stay tuned until the end of the episode, where I will explain in greater detail. For those interested now, head over to happinesssolved dot supercast.com. today is another amazing conversation. So let's get started.

00:01:10
Happy, such a pleasure to be having you on my show today. So excited. And I'm looking at your email address. That's at the bottom there, twinkling links. We'll talk about that later.

00:01:22
That must mean something a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. How's everything going?

00:01:32
Oh, just wonderful. Yeah, everything's doing really good. Great, great. So, you know, big problem to have as a podcaster. I'm very, very selective with who I have on because as we were talking before, I hit record.

00:01:48
I want to bring as much value as possible to the audience. And I love the beginning of your bio. You write, my story shows how I have transformed my pain into passion, and I want to dive into that and how you made that transformation, because pain, when people talk about pain, and I have no idea what that means for you, we'll get into that. But pain comes in a lot of different shapes and sizes. Most people, when they hear the word pain, they immediately think physical pain.

00:02:26
Right. But in today's world, so many people are suffering and are in pain. And it can be mental pain, emotional, physical, it can be both. I think that, and I'm very grateful at my age to be completely healthy and not on any type of medication. I'm so grateful for that.

00:02:56
And so I have not experienced the physical part of being unhealthy. I've experienced the mental part of it. Right. And I do know that when you're having physical issues with your health or pain or anything like that, it affects your emotions. And I think vice versa, too.

00:03:19
Vice versa, of course. Well, yeah. Oh, my gosh, yes. When you're having a lot of emotional trauma or things are surfacing from your past, it can cause physical ailments. So that's why I really wanted to talk about, talk to you and talk about this subject today, because I think that people tend, and we know that mental health, the awareness is on the rise and people are now talking about it more.

00:03:49
But I want everybody to know who's listening today that we're talking about pain in general. Like, it comes in a lot of different shapes and sizes. You're just going to talk about the pain that you went through and how you transformed it from your pain to your passion. And we're going to talk about your belly flies method. But before we dive into all of that, because you're also a number one best selling author of children's books and which is so exciting.

00:04:20
So, first of all, what is your pain? And talk about as much or as little as you feel comfortable. And how did that lead you to realize that, wow, I can take my pain, transform it into a passion of mine? Well, I'll tell you the story behind the story. Okay, perfect.

00:04:43
Okay. So I've always been a real people person. I just love people. And I have a friend named Karen who, she's smart, funny, so constantly educating herself and growing. An awesome mom.

00:05:04
And I was working with her. One day we're chatting about our kids and laughing about all the funny things they've done. And then the next day, when I came into work, our mutual friend pulled me aside and told me that Karen had lost her son. And it just, like. I just didn't know what to do.

00:05:29
I just really shocked me. And so this is the person you had just had just like I've been working with. I spent hours just talking about him and laughing about the things that they did when they were little. And, you know, it was just, like, not real. I don't.

00:05:48
Yeah, I don't know how to explain it, because it wasn't. I'm not the mom, but I really felt empty and. And like a ghost almost. And when I went into the office, everybody had known about it, and we were crying together, and we're asking why. Why this happened and why did it happen to Karen and why did it.

00:06:13
And the boy's name is Matt, and why did it that happened to Matt? And how could he do something like this to his mother? And then I realized that, like, it's. It was his only choice. In his head, he wasn't thinking, I want to hurt my mom.

00:06:30
He was just thinking, how could I get through this? And that was his only choice at the time. And so all day was devastating. And I went home to my two boys and my family, and I'm trying to be a mom. And getting through everything, homework, supper, and getting them to bed.

00:06:52
And then I thought, okay, you know what? I'm just going to go to bed, sleep it through, and then wake up the next day and deal with it. And I couldn't sleep. I couldn't. I couldn't do anything.

00:07:03
I couldn't watch tv because everything kept reminding me and bringing it up. And so I sat down with a pen and paper, and I just started writing is which I. What I do when I can't get rid of my feelings, I write. And I ended up writing this book, Belly Flies. And in my head, I wanted to do something to address the little children, give them techniques and tips, how to deal with their emotions that they can't get rid of and they can't work through.

00:07:35
And I figured if they dealt with them when they're little and they had these techniques, maybe their thing would be go for a walk or talk to a parent or help somebody achieve something or win, or, like, make somebody else laugh or talk to a friend. There's, like, a lot of little techniques in there that maybe if they were taught this over and over again, it would remind them through their whole lives to revert back to these techniques. And hopefully it'll save somebody and they'll be able to use it through their whole life and not even realize that they're still working with this book, belly flies. So that was my big thing. So I talked to Karen about this and talked to her about what I wanted to do and make this into a book and try to get it into the hands of people, parents, and children who need that.

00:08:41
And she gave me such a good response, and she said, you know, the world needs this right now. So I got out there, and I made that my passion. And then from there, I went to the bally flies method. Okay. Wow.

00:09:03
Yeah. I mean, first of all, I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. And I think as parents, it's your worst nightmare come true. Exactly. Yeah.

00:09:15
And you can't, like, my brother died two weeks before my 13th birthday. Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah, well, it was, you know, a whole lifetime ago, and my mom kind of went into a pretty deep depression, and so I kind of lost her at the same time. And it wasn't. But I always knew, like, it's not her fault.

00:09:43
Right. Right. On a very deep core level, I knew that my mom was showing up as best as she could for me, and I knew that. And it wasn't until my son was born. And I'll never forget I was holding him, and he was born fairly quickly for a first child.

00:10:04
He was my only child, but it was for the first birth, like, normally, it takes a lot longer. And my mom showed up to the hospital ten minutes after he was born, and I'm sitting there holding him, and she walks in, and it was such a great moment. Like, we were just excited, you know, that she gets to meet her grandson. And it was in that moment that I had just a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of understanding of what it must have been like for her. Right.

00:10:38
Because when you have a baby that the love is like nothing you've ever felt. No, it's enormous. It's enormous. And you can't explain it until you experience it. Right, right.

00:10:52
And the fear is overwhelming. Enormous as well. Right, right. And while most new moms don't go there, I did because of my mom lost one of her children, you know, and so, you know, it's kind of. It's always been there, but, you know, it's just one of those things.

00:11:14
So that was your big pain was really lost. Yeah, it was. It was the worst. Like, I just couldn't. I didn't know how to help her.

00:11:26
I obviously couldn't help Matt. And then within that, I didn't even know how to help myself. And I wasn't even the main person in this situation. And it was really, you know, I just felt like I've lost control. I can imagine her.

00:11:46
Like, even when I went to visit her, she put on a smile and asked me if I wanted tea. You know, like, it was just. She was running like a robot, and I just felt that pain of hers. Yeah. Yeah.

00:12:01
It's. It's. It's debilitating. Yes, that's the word, I'm sure. Yeah, for sure.

00:12:07
So explain the belly flies method. What is the belly flies method? I'm guessing it's. I don't know. My.

00:12:16
My first, when I look at it, I think laughing, but I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I honestly, I told you, I've been running around all day, and I literally just sat down in front of my computer, and I pulled up your bio, and I was like, all right, she's just gonna have to tell me about the belly flies method because I have not gone to your website yet, so. But I like. I like that element of surprise and spontaneity. So, yeah, so my listeners, you're hearing about this the first time, just like me.

00:12:46
So.

00:12:49
With my books, I addressed the children, and hopefully, when the book came to the children. The parent would read it and work with them and help them, you know, remember it all. But I found that, and I gave a lot of books away, went to Guatemala and Costa Rica, and I put, brought them into the schools in United States and internationally, and I found that the message wasn't getting through as much to the children as I had hoped. And so I started addressing the adults, the parents, and the caregivers. And this is what the belly flies method is for.

00:13:30
It's to help the parents relieve their frustration and communication and give the child a voice. And I've been dealing with that in the neurodivergent community. So I focus on neurodivergent children and giving them a voice. So, as in my book, the belly flies method of the belly flies, it's. I have belly flies, which is butterflies in your belly.

00:13:56
And then in this method, it's mommy. The giving the child a voice would be, mommy, I have belly flies. And then it will start a conversation, and it will bring out what the problem is, and you know how to deal with it. And belly flies is an acronym, so I'll let you know what the acronym is. So B is for belly flies itself, giving the child a voice and telling the story behind the story and ending up with no more belly flies.

00:14:31
And then e is for engage emotions. And to realize that having these emotions is perfectly okay. Being angry. It's okay to be angry. It's just how to react to it and how to express them.

00:14:50
Some children don't know how to express their. Especially if they're autistic, they don't know how to express their emotions and their feelings. And this is this way, we'll just work through it. And then listen, Alice, for listen. So we have to hear what the child is actually saying, what their wants and their feelings and their needs are, instead of maybe the screaming and the overreacting part of it.

00:15:19
If we listen to the words and say, okay, I can help you with that, but we have to take it down, and you have to tell me in a calm way what exactly you need, and then we can work on that the next. L is for love, which is really all encompassing. Right. I found that one day I went into the office, and it's a huge office, and everybody was miserable. It was a rainy day and gray and snow on the ground, and it was just awful.

00:15:56
Outside and inside, everybody was, like, arguing and miserable. And I thought, I can't get any work done. Every time I'm trying to deal with somebody. I can't get any work done. So at lunchtime, I went home, and I thought I could try a little experiment.

00:16:12
I'm going to go into the office and push the love feeling, like, spread it out and spread it to every corner of the building and to every single person. And so I did that, and I came back, like, afterwards, everything was copacetic. Everybody was talking and working together and laughing, and I thought, this is unreal. So I had to try that again, too. And it worked.

00:16:39
I think it's really important to show the child that you have love. No matter what you're doing, you still have love for them. And then they can understand and feel love as well. The y is for yes, and. And that's an improv technique to get them to continue talking instead of saying yes.

00:17:02
But what about this? You say yes, and it keeps them sharing. And f is for focus. And that's an acronym as well. Focus on calmness until settled.

00:17:17
So even as adults, if you're flustered and things are going wrong, if you just focus on calmness and breathe until you're settled and then carry on, then solve the problem, deal with the issue. Nice. I like that lead is role playing. And, like, if you're setting a table, show them specifically one setting, or all the dishes or a picture of how it should be done so that there's no problem that they're not doing something wrong and somebody gets upset. You know, if you have.

00:17:54
If you have the. The demonstration for them prepared, it will be much easier for them to grasp onto it. And I is for imagination, and it just sparks. Sparks the interest and shows them that their story, whatever story they're telling you is perfect. And to maybe start a story and say, okay, what's your next sentence?

00:18:20
Or what does this. This creature, what sound does this creature make? Or what? Like, every time I tell a story, I take a turn, so whatever's expected, I say the opposite thing. So walking into a store, and at the cash register, there's a green elephant, you know, like just something totally bizarre.

00:18:46
And then they could take it from there, and then we could go back and forth. But imagination really gets them talking. And you show acceptance for whatever they're saying. Yeah. And encouragement.

00:19:01
Encourage and reward. Like, praise them and reward with their favorite things. So if they're mad because they can't watch tv, then we say, okay, well, let's do this task. And then that's your. That's your reward, to watch tv.

00:19:18
Instead of screaming, you know, and yelling about not being able to do something, make that a reward. And then we can encourage better behavior. And s is for sensitive, and we have to be sensitive to everybody because everybody's different. Right. And like they say, when you've met one autistic child or one autistic person, you've met one autistic person, because everybody is so different.

00:19:47
And so we have to be sensitive and sensitive to their sensitivities, too, and just be able to accept who they are and what this situation is. I think all that is very important. Oh, my gosh. I love it. That's really great.

00:20:05
Now, in the book, does it go through the whole acronym as well? No, I know. I haven't finished my belly flies method book yet. Oh, okay. I'm just working on the.

00:20:20
Like, I have a course that goes through the acronym and expands on it and has games and techniques and charts and things that you could use, so. Yeah, but my book isn't finished for that yet. Just my children's books. Okay, perfect. All right.

00:20:40
Well, yeah, but people can still go to bellyfliesmethod.com and sign up for three free episodes to get you started on the techniques. Yes, for sure. All right. Chat with me, or, you know, like, let me know where you stand and see if I can help you or just want to chat because, you know, people think they're alone, and they think I can't bother anybody with my problems because they have their own problems. No, bother me because you're not alone.

00:21:10
You're really not alone. Oh, my gosh. You've unpacked so many amazing things. And whether you're dealing with neurodivergent children or any other child or any person for that matter, we are all unique individuals, and you have to be sensitive to everybody, regardless of where they are, because I think that, you know, they talk about a spectrum. Well, I think we're all on the spectrum.

00:21:34
Exactly.

00:21:37
You know, like, I've never been clinically diagnosed with add, but I'm telling you, I definitely have it, and it's a superpower of mine. Right, right. Yes. Like, I know how to use it to, you know, to benefit me. Yeah, but, yeah, I mean, everything that you've talked about, whether you have children or not or whether you're on the spectrum or not, because I think we all are in some capacity.

00:22:02
Everything you said is just a great recipe for dealing with other people and living your life, really. Right, right. You know, it's very basic. It's simple. It's not easy, but it's simple.

00:22:17
Yeah, no, it's. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's. It it needs, um. It needs to be, um, looked at and understood and, um, you know, taking time to do things like that.

00:22:33
Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's. It's a practice like anything else. Right.

00:22:39
You know, it's so funny being, you know, I've been in this industry for. For decades, and even myself, I think, geez, am I done yet? Like, when it. When am I going to have to stop dealing with stuff that comes up? And it's like, you're not right.

00:22:58
As long as I'm breathing, there will always be triggers and things that are brought up, and. And it's about practicing the tools that you accumulate over the years and everything that you're doing. Those are all tools. Yes. And it's about learning those tools and practicing them.

00:23:20
But I love how you're working with parents and caregivers because that's, you know, my son is graduating from college in a week, and now I'm. I'm still taking care of him, and I'm also taking care of my mother. Right. Yeah. So I'm still both.

00:23:38
I'm still kind of in that. And there's a lot of us today where we're doing taking care of our children and our parents at the same time. Yeah. I have a story to tell you about my book, Belly flies. Okay.

00:23:51
My grandmother had Alzheimer's, and I brought my book in because my brother did the illustrations on that book, and I wrote it, and my brother published it for me, and I went to bring it to my grandmother and show her, look what your grandchildren did. So she wanted me to read it to her. And it's a children's. It's a children's book, right? Like, it's just fun colors and everything.

00:24:14
And so I read it to her, and she said, okay, again. And so I read it to her again, and I think it was like four times. And she said, but at the end, like, billy, the little boy goes to bed with no more belly flies. And she says, where's the little girl? And I thought, what little girl?

00:24:34
There's all children in it. What. Which one is she talking about? So she. We went back in the pages, and she found the little girl she was talking about, and I said, oh, she had no belly flies either.

00:24:44
And she went to her house into her bed. She said, oh, okay. And then she wanted me to read it again to her. And she just loved it. And it really helped her to feel like a part of, like, involved, you know, in the story.

00:25:03
And she just loved the pictures, and she asked about other things in them. In the book, too. So it's, I would really like to be more involved, too, with the elderly like that. So that maybe that's my next goal. That's great.

00:25:19
Well, you know, I remember one of my very first interviews. It was probably within the first six months of me, you know, doing my podcast. And I remember talking to a therapist, and she was talking about how she recommends children's books to a lot of her patients because they're just simple and it's easy to understand. You can get through it in five or ten minutes. Right.

00:25:48
So just because it's a children's book doesn't mean that it's just for children. Right. Yeah. It has a message. All my books have a message on how to be more healthy in emotionally and mentally.

00:26:06
Yeah. And I talk about love a lot. Yeah, well, yeah, that's, you know, there's two states of being. You're either in a state of love or you're in a state of fear. It's one or the other.

00:26:18
That's right. Yeah. Because they can't, you can't be feeling grateful and bitter at the same time. That's right. You know, fear is very debilitating, too.

00:26:30
Like, it's just. And my one son, I have two boys and one of my sons, like, they both teach me lessons all the time. He says, don't let imaginary boundaries stop you from doing things. That's right. I thought, what?

00:26:47
Where did you get this from? So that has really guided me to proceed and keep going because every time I say something, well, I can't do this because I can't figure out the technical part. And he says, don't do that. Don't let imaginary boundaries stop you. That's right.

00:27:07
Oh, my gosh, Cathy, you are such a bright light in this world. Last thing I want to know. Twinkling links is your email address. Twinkling linksmail. If you have any questions, go ahead.

00:27:20
And you can email. Cathy, what is twinkling links? There's got to be a story behind that. Well, one day we had, I live out in the country in Ontario, and there's. I thought you were from Canada.

00:27:35
I can tell the accent. Did you? Yeah. There's a place where they had a rescue, and one of the rescues was a little baby lynx. And so of course I held it and I just loved it.

00:27:47
I got pictures with it. And then when I was trying to think of a name for my company, it, the twinkling. It's just how I see the world is twinkling, and how I see children is just twinkling. And it just seemed to come together that way. I love it.

00:28:06
I love it. This has been so informative and I really appreciate this entire conversation. Is there anything else that you would like to talk about before we finish up? Well, if you go to bellyfliesmethod.com, you can give me your email address and I can send you the three podcasts or the episodes, and you can also book with me if you want to. Also, if you just wanted to chat, you can go to Cathyellyfliesmethod.com and email me a little message.

00:28:44
If you're looking for books, Amazon carries them, but they're sometimes hard to get through Amazon. So if you go to Cathy Gagliardi on Amazon, you can check out all my books and you can message me if you want to buy them and I can write a special message in there or if you can get them through Amazon. That's awesome too. But I also would love to. I'd have to find out the names of the children so I can write a special message to them.

00:29:13
Aw, that's awesome. That is so fantastic. Thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you everybody who's listening, don't forget to like us and give us a great review. And that's all I got today, folks.

00:29:33
So thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

00:29:49
I hope you enjoyed today's conversation. And as promised, I'd like to give you more details of what you can expect as a member of the happiness solved exclusive community. First, you'll have access to a treasure trove of extra podcast episodes. These episodes dive deeper into the topics we discuss, featuring additional expert interviews only found here. But that's not all.

00:30:11
As a member, you also get access to a series of mindset training sessions. These recordings are tailored to help you understand the how and why your mindset is the most important asset you have, empowering you to achieve your personal and professional goals. And for those of you looking to find a moment of peace in your busy lives, we've got something special. Exclusive guided meditations. These sessions are crafted to help you relax, refocus and recharge.

00:30:40
Whether you're a meditation guru or just starting out, there's something here for everyone. Becoming a member is more than just accessing extra content. It's about joining a community of like minded individuals, all on a journey to live life to its fullest and become the best possible version of you. So how can you join? It's simple.

00:31:01
Go to happinesssolved, dot supercast.com and sign up. Don't miss out on this opportunity to deepen your journey with us. Again, that's happinesssolved dot supercast.com and it will also be in the show notes. I am so grateful you're a part of our happiness solved family and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued support. Again, I am so grateful for you and I hope that you, you and your family are healthy and safe and that your lives are filled with peace, joy and happiness.

00:31:35
Take care everyone.