294. Choosing Happiness After Hardship: An Interview with Self-Worth Coach Nanci Reed

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This is happiness solved with America's happiness coach, Sandee Sgarlata.

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Hello everyone, and thank you for joining me today. I'm so happy you're here. I'm Sandee Sgarlata. I was born in Virginia beach and raised in the Baltimore Annapolis area and had very humble and tragic beginnings and as a result, my life was a hot mess. Thankfully, 33 years ago I got my act together and since that time I have dedicated my life to serving others and raising awareness that no matter what you've been through, you can choose happiness and live the life of your dreams.

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Happiness solved is dedicated to giving you content that is empowering, motivational, inspirational, and of course, a dose of happiness. It's my way to give back to the world and share other people's stories. This thing called life can be challenging and my guests share their amazing stories, wisdom and life lessons that demonstrate anyone can choose happiness. You see, happiness is a choice and the choice is yours. Today's episode is amazing and I am so grateful for you.

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Thank you for listening. And don't forget to leave a review and follow me on social media at Coach Sandee. Enjoy the show.

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Nanci Reed, such a pleasure to see you. We've been on so many calls together and I just couldn't wait to have this conversation. Just learn more about you because when we're on these calls, we don't get to have much dialogue. But how's everything going for you? Oh, things are great.

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Sandee, thank you so much for this invitation. I am delighted to see unfold well. When I learned that you have a book called happily ever. Now, of course, I had to have you on the show. So for the audience, Nanci is a self worth coach, author, spiritual teacher and quantum manifestation specialist.

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We are going to talk about that. But what I love about what you do is that you support heart centered, sensitive, intuitive, successful women value their self at the level of their biggest dreams, not their doubts, even before their dream fully comes true without the paralysis of perfectionism, impostor syndrome, self judgment, comparisons by using deliberate kindness and curiosity as the cornerstones to invite total transformation and manifestation of sustainable happiness and abundance on every level. Wow, that is so awesome. So before we dive into all of that, what is your backstory and how did you get to a point where you're like, this is what I have to do with my life. This is my calling.

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This is me living my life on purpose. With a purpose kind of thing? Absolutely. Well, I mean, I'm sure that this is not news to many of your amazing listeners or to you, but I have found that whatever we teach best is probably the thing we most need to learn.

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I was an incredible teacher of balance, of not taking yourself too seriously, of being kinder to yourself, of embracing all of you as you all these amazing things. And then I realized, though, about 15 years ago, wait a minute, I'm excluding myself from that experience. And that unfortunately, it is so easy to be unkind, to be judgmental, to focus on the flaws, to see where we're not measuring up, to let some external checklist keep us from checking in with what's really meaningful and what is actually something that matters to us. And so I had spent a lifetime of still card carrying member of perfectionism and impostor syndromes Anonymous all the other things as well, but that I came into this world really sensitive, really empathic and intuitive, and I didn't really know what to do with all of that. It was very overwhelming for me.

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And so even as a small child, I remember asking my mom, I'd be like, why is that little girl sad? When we were at the park or something like that, and I mentioned this in my book, too, and she'd be like, but she's at the park and she's playing and all these things. And I'm like, no, she's really sad. Then my mom finally kind of indulged in her own curiosity, and she would go over and talk to the parents and be like, I know this might seem kind of weird, but did something bad happen today or something? And one of them was like, oh, yeah, we just had to put our dog down.

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And this was the last place that our daughter came with the dog. We thought there'd be some healing by coming here or something like that. And my mom was like, how did you have any idea about this? And so I couldn't really explain the things I knew, but I knew them. And I could feel, like, spaces and energy and people and everything even before I would go inside, right?

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So I was always looking for the exits because I felt like that if I was overwhelmed by what I was feeling, I needed to know that I could get out quickly. And I didn't really have anyone that I could talk to about this. People didn't really talk about intuition and manifestation and all these other things. And so I did my best to learn how to hide in plain sight and learn how to become basically invisible so that I could be as normal, quote unquote, on the surface with everyone, and that I could just basically be as invisible as possible and yet still have all these awarenesses that were just overwhelming to me. And I was a super lucid dreamer and all these things, none of my other friends talked about them.

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And so I was like, well, there must just be something weird about me, right? And so it wasn't until I got through adolescence, basically, by blending in the background and putting on these different Personas, I was really good at acting. I was really good at singing and music and performing and cheerleading and all these things because I could play these different roles. And I became really good at being able to adapt to the person in front of me. And so I basically became detached from how I was really feeling because I just took on whatever the energy was around me.

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And so all of that got me through adolescence, into college, and even into graduate school. And then I had this really profound experience where I nearly died in a car accident. And as I was going over the cliff because I was a passenger date, I had this sense of basically what they call a life review from near death experiences, where you see all of your life, but all I saw as a single instant were any moments where there'd been either intentional or unintentional unkindness or, like some kind of unresolved unforgiveness, other things like that in a relationship between me and somebody else. And I was like, well, why am I seeing this? This is the last thing I'm going to see before I die.

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And so after we survived the accident, and that's a whole other story that I talk about in my book, I really had all of this PTSD and pain and suffering and everything from the injuries of the accident and from the emotional trauma of it. And so the thing that got me to wonder was, well, what if I just started writing, basically because I couldn't sleep. I was having these nightmares again and again and again. And so I pulled out my journal, and I started to write. And I started to write.

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And my first entry was called the instant is all there is. And then I began to process all of these thoughts about looking at our unkindness and how we could undo that for a sense of healing. And it was almost like I was listening to something outside of myself in the beginning. And then it gradually transformed into more that it was my own voice that was speaking to me, because I had heard very clearly my inner voice say, don't get in that car that night. And I basically ignored her.

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And I was like, no, not going down that way. This guy's cute. I want him to look like me. I'm going. But then that same inner voice, she did speak again as we were going over the edge of the cliff, and I was seeing all these things, and she said, push up.

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And I was like, okay, I'm listening. And so I pushed up with my hand into the roof of the car, and I wedged my body. And what that did, because the seatbelts weren't self adjusting, it kept me from hitting the dashboard or going through the windshield. And so by pushing up, I did hurt my shoulder and twist my back, but I didn't die. Wow.

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So much to unpack there. And you just talking about that. I was in a car accident, and it was New Year's Eve, and I didn't even have my driver's license, and I was falling asleep. It was like five in the morning, and I woke up right as we were going 50 miles an hour into a tree. And I went like this and put both of my hands on the dashboard.

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Was not wearing a seatbelt because this was in the early 80s. We did not wear seatbelts then. And the driver, her face hit the windshield, and for all intents and purposes, I should have gone through the windshield, and I didn't.

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That just brought up all of that, and I had no injuries. It was absolute miracle that I walked away and with nothing. I think I had some heavy knots on my head, and I had cuts on my back, which was weird, because my down jacket I was wearing, there were no cuts, but I had cuts all over my back. It was bizarre.

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Anyway, yeah, that was a scary night, but thank God you walked away. The other thing that you brought up with me is I can relate to so much of what you said, because I, too, have always just felt people's emotions and how I dealt with it, because I had ptsd from my brother's death, and that was a whole nother scenario. I just always felt that there was something wrong with me, and I made myself wrong for so many years. There's something wrong with me. I am not like everybody else.

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How did you finally come to terms with those types of feelings and recognize that you're okay, that you're not unique? There's many people out there, right, that are going through the same thing. We're just keeping our mouth shut. We're not talking about it. Yeah, no, absolutely.

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And that's a great point, is that there was this sense of that there's something wrong with me, that why was it that I was going through all these things and that I couldn't talk about them with others? What was wrong with me? What had I done? I can remember even asking my mom when I was little. I'd say, could you just put me back inside?

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I don't feel like this is my home. I don't feel ready to be here. And she would just look at me and be like, no, I can't. But she also would tell me that you're made of tough stock, is what that was like, the saying in her family. And so she was like, you can figure this out.

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You can get through this, even if you're feeling all these things and everything. Basically, I have faith in you. And I didn't believe that for 1 second because it seemed like that anytime I allowed myself to be really vulnerable or open with somebody, that I got hurt. And that was kind of my script, right, was that I was the face of innocence, like a course of miracles would say. And I was really good at playing that role.

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And so it wasn't until I was able to be connected to my spiritual mentor, Dr. Ken Wapnik, the original teacher of a course of miracles, through actually my writing from the car accident that I actually really began to look at my part in that face of innocence. And that basically, there was a part of me that almost delighted in others betraying me and in being unkind to me, because then I got to be the innocent one and they were the guilty party. And then I had my heads on the platter of all the people that had betrayed and all these things. And so when I saw that, and then he helped me to look at that without guilt, and he's like, now that you see it, you can heal it.

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You don't have to keep repeating it, basically. But there wasn't any judgment in it. It was that we all have our thing, we all have our story, we all have our need to make others be the cause of our suffering in some way. And that if we can actually see the sameness in everyone having that investment, right, and being able to say that something outside of me is the cause of all my pain and suffering, of all my woes, of all this and this, but with compassion and with taking it lightly rather than seriously, then that's actually how we return to that state, really, of that inner calm and that interconnectedness that allows us to show up fully and be who we are and what we are without defense or apology. That was so beautifully said, Nanci.

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Thank you for. Wow. And I for a second there, because I talked to so many people on a weekly basis, I was like, oh, my gosh, I completely forgot that you, like, a course in miracles is something that you live and breathe and you run clubhouse rooms that discuss it. So, yeah, I completely forgot about that until you started talking about that. So thank you for, and I want to touch on that, but you said a couple of things, and I think as women especially, we're so hard on ourselves.

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And you say in your thing, instead of trying to fit yourself into a frame of impossible perfectionism, you gently remind people that you get to reframe what is really possible while being perfectly imperfect. What are some steps that people can take? Because we do, we try to make everything so perfect and it's impossible. It's never going to be perfect. When I work with some of the athletes, I'm like, even the olympic gold medalists are never perfect.

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You're never going to do anything perfectly. So what are some steps that you advise others on to dumb it down a little bit and be like, let's talk in reality, right? Because when we're in a state of trying to be perfect, that's not reality. Exactly. And that's just it is that when you look at your choices in life, especially if you're choosing to look at your perfectionism, but without guilt and with kindness and curiosity, like I advocate, then a great place to start with that is to look at your language that you use with yourself.

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Right. So a lot of times people are asking lots of questions, especially if they know that you're like a high achiever, perfectionist, different things like that. They kind of know that there's this game that you get into with them where that they're asking you to defend your decisions and come from this place of why basically, right? And there's a lot of talk, I know, especially in the self help and personal development growth space and everything like that about know your why? Well, for me, why is usually a very charged word and actually has usually a lot of preconceived judgment underneath of it.

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Whereas instead, looking at the word purpose or the thing like horse of miracle says, what is this for? There's a gentleness to that and there's a spaciousness to that, right? So just looking at your language for one thing, another thing is that a lot of times people with perfectionism, myself included, because it's not something you cure, it's something that you can gently overcome, but it doesn't mean it goes away. It's almost like that it's still there. But when you learn not to judge the perfectionism and instead look at it with kindness and curiosity, then you go, I wonder what purpose this was trying to serve for me.

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I wonder what this was trying to protect me from. I wonder what this was trying to take me to the next level on, or something like that, right? Whatever it is, you just reframe the intention so that it's not unkind, so that it's not something that is harmful to you. Right? So if you do that, then you can basically be practicing being perfectly imperfect while you look at your attachment to this previous, impossible perfectionism, right?

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So that's another way to do it. And another thing is really helpful to look at all the times that you say in your life. I think when people ask you a question. So a lot of times they'll say, like, to me, I know when I was writing my book, it was like, well, when are you going to be finished with that? Right?

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Because it was this lifelong dream. Took seven years to write from COVID to cover. And basically, at the beginning of me writing it, I would say, well, I think I'm going to have it done. And I would sort of answer the question with a question to see, was that enough? Did I give them the right answer?

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Did I give them an answer that was sufficient for them? Right? So constantly going back into, can I play off somebody else's responses versus know what's true for me? And that was the shift was that as I was writing the book, I was living the book myself. And I actually did this meditation one time when I was really frustrated about two years into writing it, and I was like, this is never going to get done.

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This is impossible. Here I'm talking about these impossible things, and I can't even do this myself. And I had this little one at home with me who was sick at the time and everything like that, too. So basically, in the meditation, I heard very clearly that same voice that said, push up in the car and had been speaking to me all my life. And she said, it's already written.

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And then she showed me the book, and I saw the COVID I saw it open up, I saw the pages in it, I saw the image on it, I saw the title and everything, and I was like, oh, it's already written. Okay, so then I don't need to worry about the timing on it. I don't need to worry on am I doing enough? So then it shifted when people would ask me the same questions of, when are you going to be finished? Or when is the book coming?

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Or this and that. And instead of saying, I think I would say, I know my book will be written right on time, and that the people meant to find it and have it find them will. And I would say something like that. And it was like there was a pin drop in the room right afterwards because it was so silent. But also what was amazing was the same people that seemed so pushy and that I would always feel, like, put upon.

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They'd be like, oh, okay, that's great. And it was like this total shift in the energy and the dynamic between us. So no longer was I the victim of them or at the effect of them. Instead, we had this really lovely synergistic coming together. And there was that oneness, really, between us.

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And so then I started applying that, even though it felt awkward at first into all of my interactions with people. So when somebody would say, when are you, when is your daughter going to do this? When are you guys going to move to the new house? Or whatever it was, instead of saying, I think I would pause and take a moment, and then I would say, I know. And I spoke from a place of knowing, and there was such a difference in how I felt about what I was saying and also in the response that I received.

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Interesting. So I love that. And I think it's great. And when you're dealing with, say, in corporate or whatever, right, people are going to place expectations on you. How do you frame that if you have to report to someone, right?

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Well, of course you don't want to make things up. You don't want to stay. I know this will be done tomorrow, and you don't have anything finished. You don't want to do that to yourself because that would be unkind to you and to the deadline. So obviously you need to be able to adapt.

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But the thing is that what a course of miracles teaches us is there's a big difference between form and content, right? And so what that means is that on the surface, you can be fully in the world. You can believe, like my teacher used to say, that two plus two equals four. You know all the ways of getting there. You can figure out all the summations for that.

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And yet, in your mind, when you're operating and when you're speaking and you're interacting, you know, two plus two equals five. So that you know there's something bigger than you that you're connected to. You know that it's possible to be in the world, but not of it. And that means you can play by all the rules that the world says you need to do. You can get your letters after your name, you can do all these things, but they have a different meaning to you, because now it's not who you are or what you are.

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It's just basically a costume that you're wearing so that you can be accepted and have the communication device that is your body be useful in the world. And so you can apply all of these things on the level of content and yet inform, still do everything that the world is expecting. I love that, and I totally get and understand and live by what you're talking about. And for those who, this is a new concept for them. What are some easy ways that they can apply this today and start making that transition?

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Because the ego mind is going to resist that, right? 100%. And that's just it is that you want to look at your ego, and whether or not you study a course of miracles or not, you can still understand that there is this part of yourself that basically is really happy being a you that doesn't have things work out in life and that gets its identity from other people being the cause of your problems or of your shortcomings or things outside of you. And that, again, if you can look at that without judgment, if you can just see it, like you would almost, like, take an inventory of something in your pantry, right? You're going to the grocery store and you're looking through, and you're like, oh, I need more cereal, right?

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So you write that down on your list. There's no judgment in that. You're not, like, saying to yourself, I'm a horrible person. I let the cereal run out. Right?

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That would be kind of weird. But that's what we chew to ourselves, right? And so if we can see the lightness in that, then we can go, oh, that's just silly, right? It's not sinful. It's silly.

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Let's just be light with ourselves. Let's take this thing that looks so awful and so whatever, and let's look at it with a light heart. That doesn't mean deny any part of it. It just means to know that what you are is so much bigger than anything specific that the world says. And the way that you truly start to believe that is you start to connect with people on a bigger level.

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And so that's the idea of what I call deliberate kindness, where there's nothing random about it. You are making a deliberate decision to share and extend compassion or share and extend grace with another, whether it be another person, another group, another cause, something that seems to be outside of you. And that's where you start, because that usually is a place that we can all get behind. Right? Everyone has your gofundmes and this and this and that.

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But what people don't understand a lot of times, and a course of miracles is really good about helping you to kind of look at this. But a lot of other spiritual thought systems, it's not the course of miracles. It's a course of miracles. And that's very intentional. Right.

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Because it's just one of many ways. So whatever way speaks to you, right. Then you can apply this to that. If we can look at those decisions to be intentionally and deliberately kind and then recognize that as we're extending that deliberate kindness, we're also experiencing it, the essence of it, the energy of it within ourselves. So therefore, we're not separate from it.

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We're not apart from it. We're actually a part of it. And so that is how, by sharing more, you actually create more. You don't have less, and that you can't share what you don't have already. So if you're going to share deliberate kindness, then it must be that it's already within you and that you're connected to it and that it's bigger than anything specific.

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And that's where that two plus two equals five comes in. Because now you've got the individual parts, right. When you add them together, the summation is greater. We go back to elementary school math, and it really is true. And that is how we begin.

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So you start small, you start deliberate. And like, I have this program called 32 Favors, which is a deliberate kindness project, which starts off just like that, that the first eight favors are themed around kindness to others. Then we go into basically being your own valentine so that you're realizing you're actually including yourself in it. Then it's about being kind on every level, so that there's no distinction, there's no separateness. Right.

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And then it's really just about applying it into everything. And that if you can see the value in that and you recognize that it doesn't matter how many followers you have, how many letters you have after your name, how many dollars or cents are in your bank account, that you have inherent value just by you deciding to be deliberately kind, that that is your worth and that that actually is infinite because you can just expand upon that. And every time that you think you've reached a limit, add one to it. Right. And it just keeps going and going and going and going and going.

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I love that because there's no better feeling than going out of your way and showing an act of kindness. It just feels so good. And it's contagious, too. Yeah. And it's like the best contagion ever.

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And it's kind of selfish, quote unquote, because it makes you feel so good in the process. So why not, right? People always asked me when I was first doing this project when I lived in LA 15 years ago, 32 favors, and they'd be like, why are you doing this? And I'd be like, well, why not? At the time, I could have stayed at home and sat on my couch and eaten bond bonds and watched Oprah or something like that and been, woe is me, because my business wasn't doing what it wanted to do and all these things.

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But it was like I had my rent paid on my Pilates and my coaching space that I had rented, and I had it on my apartment, and that was it. I knew that for the next month. And then beyond that, I wasn't sure. And so I committed to doing one day beyond the longest day of any month, which is 32, right? So, 31.

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32 favors. And I had this really prophetic, lucid dream where I was running this high hurdles race, and that I would run up to the hurdle and then I would stop and I couldn't go over it. And the interesting thing about this is that my dad is a champion high hurdler from Hungary originally. And so he had wanted me to continue in his footsteps. And I was always afraid of the hurdles.

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I would run up to them and then I would stop, or I would sometimes run over them, and then I would fall or something. And then I never went on to do anything with them. They were just too daunting for me. And so here I am in this dream, and I'm like, well, why would I be shown this, right? Because I was a very lucid fact that I knew I was dreaming.

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And so I realized after I tried to run and I fell really badly, and I was, like, beaten up and bruised and bleeding and everything, that I had a choice in that moment that I could either stay on the ground in all of my pain, all of my suffering, or I could get back up. And that it wasn't about needing to win the race, it was just needing to finish it. Because I couldn't see what was on the other side of the finish line until I did that. And so I made this very conscious choice in the dream, and I ran. And I'd like to say I got better.

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I didn't. I kept falling, falling and falling. But I got back up and I kept going. And I eventually crossed the finish line. And when I did, I saw again another life review, basically, where I could see the past, the present, and the future.

00:29:58
And there were all these people, and they were dressed in different styles of clothing from the different time periods. They were speaking different languages. But what I understood, a common thread between them was they were in pain. And I remember saying in the dream, what can I do? I'm just one person, right?

00:30:14
And then I heard my inner voice say, just start. You have your hands, you have your feet, you have your voice. And so I began to just interact basically with these people all across these different timelines. And what was so interesting in the dream was that all of us became actually lighter. And then I woke up and I was like, whoa, what was that about?

00:30:36
Because I was about to give my notice to my landlords and tell them I was out of here. I couldn't make it, I had to go back to school, know my family was right, I shouldn't have gone to LA. What was I thinking? I didn't know anybody, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But instead I was like, okay, so for the next 32 days, because I came up with that number, I'm going to commit to being this emissary of kindness on behalf of others.

00:30:57
And so, no, I might not have the clients, I might not have the money, I might not have this, but I have my time, and there is value in my time, and I am a valuable person with this time. And so I'm going to put myself out there. And others that are too busy or have whatever going on in their lives, they can send me on their behalf, and I will be their emissary of deliberate kindness. And so for those 32 days, I went out throughout the city of angels, and I literally had experiences of angelic natures with people. And I connected and I let go of my business.

00:31:33
Like, I basically just surrendered everything I was trying to do to force it to make it, and I just let it go. And I was fully invested in this project. And what was amazing was that by the end of the 32 days, not only did I have clients waiting for me, but I also had this huge network of people that I never would have met that were like these impossible people to get to know right in LA. And I'd all been introduced to them by just showing up and having this sense of it wasn't just pay it forward, people didn't have to do anything other than just be willing to receive. And then I would go back to my list of the favors that I was accruing from Facebook and Craigslist and all these other things that I was posting about trying to get people to send me their favor requests, and I would just let the favor choose me.

00:32:17
And I kept going and kept going and kept going. And so then this year, 15 years later, I'm like, you know, I think it's time with the book and everything else, too, to share this as a group experience within my private Facebook group called Sparkle Circle for other heart centered women, especially those that think they're running as fast as they can to stay in place and to let them know that there is value in just them existing and that if all they do today is get up and breathe, that they still have the value to show up and be instrumental in someone else's life. That is so beautiful. Nanci, what is the name of your Facebook group again? It's called Sparkle Circle.

00:32:58
Sparkle circle. Okay. So all the women out there, that could be your home, that could be your place. I love it. I love it.

00:33:08
We could talk forever. And there were other things that I wanted to talk about, but I like to be respectful of people's drive times and things like that. So is there anything else that you want to talk about before we finish up today? Just. I would say that if people want to connect with me, that they can certainly find me on clubhouse.

00:33:29
Like you were saying, for my weekly rooms on a course of miracles, I co host a room on the conversations around a course of miracles as well as the lightness of being a course in Miracles student so that we're not taking ourselves too seriously in the process and still bringing that light, heart and that deliberate kindness into everything that we do. You are such a bright light in this world, Nanci, and I'm so excited for everything that you're doing. Folks, check out her book, happily ever now. I love that. And Nanci, thank you so much.

00:34:03
And, yeah, I'll definitely have you on at another time and we can continue this conversation. That would be fantastic. Awesome. Thank you so much, Sandee. Thank you.

00:34:25
I certainly hope that you enjoyed today's interview. Thank you so much for joining me. And as always, I hope that you and your family are healthy and safe and that your lives are filled with peace, joy and happiness. Take care, everyone.